This song hits home with me most days...right now it really does. Check it out!

Who I Am

Another voice, another choice
To listen to words somebody said
Another day, I replay, one too many doubts inside my head
Am I strong, beautiful, am I good enough
Do I belong after all, that I've said and done
Is it real when I feel I don't measure up
Am I loved

I'm runnin' to the One who knows me
Who made every part of me in His hands
I'm holdin' to the One who holds me
'Cause I know, 'cause I am
I know who I am
I am sure, I am Yours

Turnin' down, tunin' out
Every single word that caused me pain
Unashamed and unafraid
'Cause I believe You mean it when You say
I am strong, beautiful
I am good enough
And I belong after all, 'cause of what You've done
This is real what I feel
No one made it up
I am loved

I'm runnin' to the One who knows me
Who made every part of me in His hands
I'm holdin' to the One who holds me
'Cause I know, 'cause I am
I know who I am
I am sure, I am Yours

Fearfully, wonderfully, perfectly
You had made me

I'm runnin' to the One who knows me
Ya-a-ay
I'm holdin' to the One who holds me
Holds me holds me-e-e-yay

I'm runnin' to the One who knows me
Who made every part of me in His hands
I'm holdin' to the One who holds me
'Cause I know, 'cause I am
I know who I am
I am sure, I am Yours
Oh, I am Yours
I am sure, I am Yours
And I know who I am

Today was a train wreck!

It has been since May that I have posted on here and there are many reasons why. I'm not making excuses, but summer semester and the start of my program have kicked my tail. My eating habits have tanked. I spend about 10-14 hours every day at school and some days I hardly remember to eat. I drink entirely too much coffee to keep myself awake and my mind is racing with so much information and surgical instruments that I am lucky to pull 5 hours of sleep each night. I am exhausted, I have gained about 15 pounds sine my post in April when I hit my lowest of 218. I am sitting right around 230 again. I am frustrated, but I am tired. Yet, I have never questioned if I was really doing what I was called to do. Never questioned if I was where God wanted me. Until today...

Today was the first day since I started back to school (over a year ago) that I thought I had made the wrong decision. We started lab schedule today I was scheduled for 6 hours straight, no break. I knew that today would be hard...info wise and time wise. I prepared as best I could. I actually got 6 hours of sleep last night. We had seen this entire check off (#4) ONE TIME on Wednesday. Today was our first day of practice. One teacher was going to be in OR1 and one was going to be in central sterile. They had a previous graduate who has been a tech for 3 years come to help in OR2, which is was where I was.

It was a train wreck. I knew from talking to others that it had been for them as well, but in the other OR, they had guidance. I had dirty looks and rolling eyes anytime I asked a question. I was told that I should know how to do this already and that I was the only one who struggled, so maybe I didn't pay attention or take notes and maybe I needed to spend some more time at school working on things. I nearly lost it. I bit my tongue and choked back my tears (there is no crying in the OR.) I continued fumbling around and was relieved when I was finished and got my turn to play surgeon instead.

I was pouring sweat and fuming with anger by the time my first 2 hours where up. Everyone was running behind, so I stepped out of my OR to wait for my next partner. My lab teacher joked about how sweaty my face was and told me to "take that crap off and cool down a minute." I ended up ripping it off and then someone asked me how it went. I had to walk away. I walked by my other teacher, who I love, and she saw my face and asked if I was okay...I answered no and walked out to the hall.

Several things were running though my head at this time. Do I react in anger and put my fist through a wall? Do I cry and let it all out and risk looking like a fool? Do I grab my stuff and leave and never come back? Did I make the right choice? Can I really do this? Is it worth it? Can I handle it?

I know that I will work with plenty of people like this when I graduate. But, I am student who has been in this program for ONE MONTH today. I have had spent nearly 15 hours at school every day this week and last. I bust my ass on my lab skills, practice any chance I can get at home, study for hours on end, help my friends learn instrument names by making up stupid sayings, taken on an added role of class president that I still don't know what entails, and I have this girl tell me that I don't work hard enough. Maybe she was right.

I ended up sitting in the stair well and I cried. I begged God to help me get it together and do it again. Help me to keep my temper under check because no one wants to see me act how I feel right now. Get it together and prove her wrong. I was also frustrated because we are a reflection of who we are working with and if we don't work well together or of totally different skill sets, it can make us look bad. I obviously didn't need any help in that area! My next partner has struggled since the beginning, so I was dreading it with her as well. But I didn't have a choice. I went first again and it was much better the 2nd time around, but I still have a long way to go. It obviously can't be easy since I have 22 scheduled lab times over the next 17 class days, as well as other open lab times to practice.

Again, I had never been so relieved as I was when I was finished and I got to play surgeon. I did much better and didn't feel like such a failure, but I was still mad. I fumed about it to a couple of friends and heard from others that they had been told the same things by this girl. Even our "mean" teacher, who will flat out tell you that you asked a dumb question, hadn't been like that. Someone told me I should say something...follow our teachers slogan of "say what you need to say." I get elected to talk to my teachers because I'm the president...I don't think that is in my job description! I also get elected to talk to them because everyone says that they think that the teachers think that I can do no wrong, that I am the favorite, and then they won't get mad at me. That bothered me a little, but I can see where some would think that. I know a few of my friends in class are the favorites and it is apparent at times.

I decided I wasn't going to say anything though. But, when everything was finished and I was eating lunch with two other people, my favorite teacher (we only have two right now...the nice one and the mean one) came back to ask us how we felt today. We all had things to say about how we fumbled around and felt horrible about it. She told us that it was understandable and that's kind of how it will feel for a few days. Eventually the talk changed and it came out how I felt about today and how I was ready to quit. She is just so sweet and told me "oh no...don't do that." She told the 3 of us that she wasn't worried about any of the three of us and we would be fine, but there were some people she was worried about. She told me that she was glad that I told her what happened today and that she would talk to the other girl. I feel like there is a lot of questions and she told me that would happen and we would start class most days with questions that we had in order to make sure that everyone is on the same page.

I felt a bit better after that and decided that I wasn't going to quit today. She also told me that it didn't help that I am mentally and physically exhausted and to rest this weekend and start over fresh on Monday. I prayed the whole way home for God to ease my mind and I no longer feel like I have made a mistake by quitting my job to do school full time and making a total career change. And I am emotional today for who knows why, so that probably added to it.

So even though this has nothing to do with exercise, losing weight, or working out, it still has every bit to do with #BeBraveBeBadass and #neverquit and #noexcuses and about following God's will for my life. I am struggling lately, but I know it will get better...it might not be till August 2016, but it will get better. For now, that will have to be enough.

Half hearted or totally devoted?

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and where it is heading. I look back at where I was and I see where I am now and I pleased about the way things are going. But at the same time, I know I could do more. I want more out of my life. I want to be more. This week's service at 12Stone Church struck a chord with me and was exactly what I needed to hear. You can check it out online at http://12stone.com/watch/great-and-awesome/our-god-who-overcomes/ and you'll be inspired for sure!

For me, my notes were full. I have lived my entire life being "half way in." I completed high school half way, doing only enough to get by. I played sports that way in the end of things, only working hard when I had to. I have been half way with school, which is why I am 36 and in college...again. I treat my fitness and health half way, working hard for a while and then slacking off...yet wondering why I am not progressing like I had hoped. I have treated my finances half way and spent when I wanted to spend, no matter the consequences of debt. I have even treated my faith half way, only leaning on God when it is convenient and not when it is hard.

So yesterday was a real eye opener for me. No more time for half hearted living...it's time for total devotion to the things that matter. It's time to work hard and play later. It's time to crack down and get serious about the things that I want in life. I sat and looked at my long term goal list in my bathroom this morning. I hadn't done that in a while. I mean, I see it every day, but I don't look at it and think about it every day like I used to. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I have dreamed of having children for as long as I remember. It has been my number one goal for my life. There are times when I have thought that maybe that wasn't in the cards for me...maybe it wasn't part of God's plan. But, I don't really believe that. I don't think God would have given me such a passion for parenting if it wasn't to happen. So I looked today at that list and adopting a child stood out to me. If that is something that I really want to do (or have a child through other means) then I have to work hard for it. It's not just going to fall into my lap without any effort.

I have never been the greatest about sticking to a budget. I can write a budget and it all looks good on paper, but when it comes to actually sticking to it, I suck at it! But, for the first time in my life, I have a budget with every single dollar accounted for and planned for. I have stupid debt. Much more than I should and probably not as much as some. I have credit card debt, medical debt, and way too much student loan debt. But, I have a plan and I am working slowly, but surely, on paying off that debt. Thankfully my student loan is on good standing and is currently deferred while I am in school. 

My health and fitness have been a struggle since I got out of college back in 1999-2000. Stupid choices and a lack of exercise ave landed me where I am today. I was rocking really well for about 3 months and I got lazy. I missed a day, then a week, then two weeks. Next thing I knew, I was eating junk, driving through the fast food line, eating too late, and not cooking. It was so easy to fall right back into the bad habits. Even when I realized what was happening, I had lost the motivation. I was distracted and discouraged. It was easier to go back to the old choices. It was too hard to force myself to get up early to go to the gym. I had other things that I wanted to do on the weekends that didn't involve waking early to go walk or run at the park. But, yesterday was yet another wake up call. 

It's time to crack down and me totally devoted to the things that matter...to things that are important to me: faith, family, fitness, and finances. I can do this...not alone, but with God, all things are possible. I have new outlook on life and I am jumping in totally devoted to reaching the goals that I set out for myself...and maybe even some that I haven't realized that I want yet.

Have you ever felt like you let everyone down?

Have you ever felt like you let everyone down? Have you ever thought of yourself as a disappointment? Has anyone ever looked up to you and you wondered why? Have you ever been some one's role model and totally failed at it?

This is how I have felt the last few weeks since my last blog entry. I have shut myself in and away from mostly everyone and everything. The following is a copy of the email that I sent to Celeste, my trainer and friend, on Monday:

I feel like I owe you an explanation. It is not an excuse, but I feel like I need to let you in on what has been going on since Spring Break. 

I took Spring Break week off (first mistake) because I was nearing exhaustion. I was also house sitting on my work side of town and you were gone, so I figured no one would notice. I told myself it was only a week and I needed it. The following week I was sick and not sleeping and totally tired, so I didn't come. It was probably for the best since my lungs were totally gunked up. But after two weeks being gone, I found that my motivation left with it. I was still losing weight. so it started a way of thinking that has been detrimental. I came for my two sessions, but started finding excuses as to why I couldn't come for cardio. Something was better than nothing, right?

Then finals kicked in and my stress level went through the roof. When I get stressed, two things happen: I don't sleep much or well and I eat. Not only do I eat, but I crave junk. And the past two weeks, I caved bad. And the more that I gave in, the more that I found myself just not caring. I stopped weighing myself, stopped drinking water, stopped exercising, stopped giving a crap. And after a week, I said I would stop. But the stress didn't stop, so I didn't either. Coupled with finals and having to work early and late at school, I found myself not being able to come to the gym AND eating nearly every meal from a fast food joint. Again I said that Monday would be different...but as you know now, I didn't come in today. My alarm went off and I caved again and turned it off and went back to sleep. 

I feel awful...mentally and physically, as well as emotionally. It's been a spiral. I am mad and embarrassed that I let this happen. Everyone at work looks to me, and yet I keep this from them too. I weighed this morning and I am up almost 10 POUNDS from my last blog post 2ish weeks ago. I was devastated and sad and humiliated. And I found myself wanting to avoid the gym, to give up, to quit, because I didn't want to answer for my choices. I wanted to turn and run. I wanted to turn to all the bad choices that I have made in the past. If I had it my house, I would have quickly and easily turned to the poor choices that I have turned to in the past...and I found myself angry that I had thought that. 

I sit here now in tears as I type this. I know that people have ups and downs, but I chose this, and I didn't care. I have avoided anyone that I have some accountability to. I have kept all this a secret and I could easily just give up and be done. Which is why I had to write to you. I am pretty sure what I know you will say. But I needed to write this and I needed you to know. And I needed to apologize...I am sorry I have let you down and I have let myself down. And I don't know what I need to do to get out of this hole that I still find myself in.

Even sitting here now, rereading this, it makes me sad. I wonder if I am deserving of those who look to me for motivation and inspiration. I feel like I have failed them and they don't even know it. I am not worthy of their praise, not when I let this happen. I know that I am in a hole right now and I know that I have a fight ahead of me to get out of it. 

But, I sit here tonight, writing this, for several reasons. One, I need to be open and honest, even if it is ugly...that is what I agreed to when I started this. Two, who knows if there is someone else out there that feels the same way...and if there isn't right now, there will be one day. Three, it gets it out...and once it's out, I can work though it, process it, and move past it. So, tomorrow morning, I am back at the gym. I will probably hate myself and maybe even hate Celeste, but I need it. I have to do this. I have to many plans, hopes, and dreams for the future to let it all crumble now!

#BeBraveBeBadass #nevergiveup #nevegivein #neverquit #feelinglikeafailure #hatedisappoiment #turnandrunisnotanoption #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining 

It's been a little while...and some crazy BEFORE and AFTER photos! 100 days down at the gym!

So, it as been about a month since my last post. I have to admit that I have been a bit overwhelmed lately with school, work, health, fitness, and just life in general. I just don't seem to have all the time that I used to have or the energy at times. Since I am allergic to all things spring, I have been battling the past two weeks with just making it to work and home most days. Allergy meds make me so sleepy, but going without them led to bronchitis and a sinus infection, so I guess everything is a trade off at times.

Through this journey, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I first started the journey back in July 2014. I took every one's advice and posted BEFORE pictures that were taken on July 27, 2014. They were not flattering, but I didn't really want them to be. I wanted them to be real and not edited. I wanted to have something to look back on over time and see progress. I had my ups and downs in those times and lost 20 lbs, only to gain it all back by Christmas. So, I started over on January 12, 2015...100 days ago! I didn't take before pictures at this time because I looked the same as I had before...255 lbs and not happy!

Today I hit 100 days since starting at the gym and today I finally weigh LESS than my driver's license states...it's a miracle and a first! 

Everyone I see tells me how much I have changed. I see it in the sheer numbers...as of today, I have lost a total of 36.6 lbs in 100 days. I can tell by the fact that my pants and shorts are all falling off of me, that I have to cinch my belts as tight as they will go. I am down to a size large shirt from a XXL. I can fit into clothes that I have had for 5 or 6 years, always holding on to the hope of maybe wearing them again one day. I can see all of that. Yet, when I look in the mirror, I don't see it. I get that I see myself everyday and it is hard to see changes daily. So, I decided today, at 100 days, to do a little side by side comparison. And to say that I am completely blown away is an understatement.

On the left are my photos from "BEFORE" on July 27, 2014 and on the right are my photos from "AFTER" on April 22, 2015. I tried to re-create them as closely as possible. Funny thing is on the left, I have on size XXXL bike shorts and an XXL top...on the left, I have on size L bike shorts and size M top.

I still have so much further to go, but now, for the first time, I can finally see how far I have come. My goal weight is 150-160 lbs and as of today, I am 218.4 lbs. That is less that I have been in some 7 years. I feel better and I am working hard. I have goals that I never thought were possible and some that I never even thought that I would want to have. It feels good to see these and actually see the difference. I hope and pray that these pictures, as bad as they are, will inspire someone else to do the same. Anything is possible.

#BeBraveBeBadass #teamendured #nevergiveup #nevergivein #noexcuses #beforeandafter #100days

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right." --Henry Ford

Have you ever been told that you can't do something? Things like, "You can't eat that. You can't drink that. You can't buy that. You can't do that. You can't have that." Have you ever told yourself that you can't do something? If we are all honest, we have told ourselves that we can't do something at least once in our lives.

I have been told by others recently that I can't do a number of things: You can't run. You can't walk for exercise. You can't swim. You can't ace that test. You can't eat that. You can't drink that. You can't buy that. You can't lift that. You can't lose that much weight. You can't do a triathlon. You can't do a pull up. You can't play softball again.

 I hate being told that I can't do something. Normally, the sure fire way to get me to really work hard at something is to tell me I can't do it. But to hear someone else tell me that I can't do something, that I really want, is devastating. It totally takes the wind out of my sails. No, it does more than that...it sinks my entire ship!

I have a running list of goals, some of which are easier than others, some of which are much more long term than others. I make these goals public for all to see so I can be held accountable. It's amazing what that does for me. To know that so many people are keeping up with my goals and checking in on them is incredibly humbling...and sometimes it sucks! I know who reads my food journal and I know what they will say if I actually decided to eat dinner at McDonald's. I know who keeps up with my workouts and what they will say if I miss one or I don't hit my calorie goal for the week.

But, to have someone look at my list of goals and then look me in the eye and tell me that they are impossible is defeating. It makes a part of me just want to give up. If others think they are impossible, then why bother, right? I have pumped myself up about these goals and I don't put them on my list on a whim. They are thought about long and hard and realistically. Yes, I know that some goals are not safe. I have had two knee surgeries, so my basketball days are long gone...it wouldn't be SAFE to play again and I am okay with that. There are things on that list that I never thought I would be able to do and just to see them there pushes me every day. I may not reach all of them anytime soon and I may not reach some of them at all. I may find in time that it is no longer safe to play softball again...but don't tell me I CAN'T do it...not yet.

None of like to be told we can't do something. Want to see a prime example of this...hang out with a toddler for a little while and watch their reaction when they are told NO or YOU CAN'T DO THAT. They typically react with some enraged temper tantrum that rivals the Incredible Hulk. So why do we say it to ourselves so often, when we know we hate it? We beat ourselves down daily and let others influence the things we say to ourselves. We say things to ourselves that we would NEVER think about saying to another person. So why do we do it?!

Two new badges on my RoadID. I have now finished TWO 5K's and have more on the horizon. And No Excuses to remind me daily that there are no excuses why I can't do something, only reasons why I can.

I don't have the answer to that. I am guilty of it myself. But, I have decided that I won't let others dictate what I can and can't do anymore. Maybe some of those people who have recently told me that I can't do something are trying to reverse psychology me into working even harder towards it. And maybe they really think that I can't do it. But I am no longer listening to them. I will fight hard and I will not use past surgeries or injuries as an excuse not to do something. No more excuses...I will do this.

“Do. Or do not. There is no try.” --Yoda (The Empire Strikes Back)

#bebravebebadass #everyday #teamendured #nevergiveup #nevergivein #neverquit #noexcuses #yodaistheultimatebadass

What happens when failure is not an option?

Growing up I was taught the saying, "Hope for the best, but expect the worst." This seems like a logical life lesson...always have a contingency plan for when things don't go well. If you are always expecting the worst, you'll be pleasantly surprised when something better than that happens. You'll never be caught off guard by the worst case scenario. But I have found, in my adult life, that this saying leaves me unable to enjoy the good things in life, unable to see the hope that comes from trying new things, unable to accept that something good might come out of a bad situation. It has left me immediately jumping to the worst in a person or situation and therefore, a very pessimistic outlook on life.

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -Thomas A. Edison

I don't like to fail. In reality, I guess no one actually LIKES to fail. But for me, it is the end of the world...failure is just not an option that I am willing to entertain. I am so afraid of failing that it deters me from trying anything new that I might not be good at. In my mind, if I never try, I can't fail. And if I do try and it starts not going well or it gets too hard, I quit...because then it is my CHOICE to quit, not actual failure.

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." -Thomas A. Edison

My entire life has been a bit of a contradiction. I love a challenge. I like when things are not easy. I like things to be different every day. I love school because it is hard and I am good at it. I like that I actually have to use my brain. But at the same time, I constantly think that I am going to fail. I fight every day not to quit because it is hard and there is a slight possibility of failure and I really hate to fail. Most days, I love the gym. I love how much better I feel. In some sick way, I like when my muscles hurt because then I feel like I actually did something. When I wake up in the morning and it hurts to sneeze, part of me loves that. Yet another part of me has to fight a daily war within myself to make me go to gym or go run at the park.

"Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war." -Donald Trump

I have a goal of running. I haven't run for exercise since college (the first time around.) But the day that Celeste asked me, "Are you ready to start running intervals?" it scared the Hell out of me. I stammered with my answer. I knew that I was ready...it was going to be crazy hard, especially with bad knees, but it was one step closer to my goal. But in my head, I was answering. "No, I'm not ready...it will be too hard...I won't be able to do it...I can't do it...I change my mind about running." The down side (at times) to posting your goals publicly is that everyone knows them and will push you towards them, even if you don't push yourself. Damn accountability!

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." -Theodore Roosevelt

My entire life has been built around failure not being an option. One would think that this would mean that I would have excelled at everything, but it was often not the case. I would do just enough to get by. Nothing short of "A" in school was ever okay. This was not a lofty expectation because I was very smart, I still am, so A's were easy. But when I started back to school this time, I found that often times, even an A wasn't good enough. A 90 on a test was still an A, but it was barely an A. I would beat myself up over not being the best in the class. Yet at the same time, when I did ace a test and score the highest grade, I was in disbelief and I was sure the teacher had messed up somehow!

"I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can't accept not trying." -Michael Jordan

When I am at the gym, I am not likely to try anything new or more difficult without being told to do it first. Even then, I often don't want to. My mind constantly tells me "I can't" but I fight the urge to let that spill out of my mouth! Every day that I go to the park to walk and run, I look ahead and pick the next goal that I am going to run to. I find that some days, I push myself more than others. I know that if I went with someone else, they would push me, and some days that would be great. But those people, as inspiring and amazing that they are, may not always be around, and I have to learn to push myself.

"You are capable of more than you know. Choose a goal that seems right for you and strive to be the best, however hard the path. Aim high. Behave honorably. Prepare to be alone at times, and to endure failure. Persist! The world needs all you can give." -E. O. Wilson

So, I am working on some new life quotes, some new mantras for my life, given to me by a friend. These will also end up on my mirror to remind me every day.

“Expect the best. Plan for less.”

“Change happens outside your comfort zone.”

“It never gets easier, but you do get better.”

These will help me to change my thinking. It won't be easy to break nearly 36 years of previous thoughts, but I am willing to work hard at it. Failure is still not a viable option that I am really willing to entertain, but I am working on not focusing on those possibilities. I need to work on being the best version of myself today. To give it my all and when it is done, to know that I did my very best and whatever happens, happens. No longer will I give up when it gets hard, no longer will I quit to avoid failure. I will not give up again, I will not quit. I will fight until there is nothing left and that will have to be good enough.

"A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying." -B. F. Skinner

#bebravebebadass #nevergiveup #nevergivein #neverquit #teamendured #failureisnotanoption #failureisinevitable #dohardthings #thankfulforfriendswhopushme #evenwhenithinkicant

New goals, new struggles, and standing on a ledge

This has been a challenging week for me. My post last week was so positive and I seemed to jinx myself because it all started to snowball after I posted it! I was hit with a migraine on Thursday before heading to class for A&P lab where we had to dissect the blood vessels in a cat. I was struggling to keep it together. My head was going to explode. The last thing I wanted to do was cut open a cat and deal with the smell that comes with that. Normally I LOVE dissection days, but not with a raging migraine. I somehow managed to make it through the 3 hour class and even got to sleep without having to use any meds stronger than the Aleve I took at work.

Friday I went to the gym early to workout because I had laser iridotomy scheduled at 10:00am for my right eye. Basically they used a laser to cut a hole in the iris (colored part) of my eye in order to treat the narrow angles that I have. This was to prevent a pressure spike in the future that would be considered glaucoma. Despite my nerves, the procedure went well, even though it had crazy side effects to my eyeball!

My eyes right after my procedure. My pupil stayed this small until the next morning!

They told me that everything would be back to normal by the evening and I shouldn't have any pain. They were wrong! By the time I got to work, I was in a lot of pain. All I could think about was all the things that I needed to get done that night for school. I had nothing to use for the pain, other than the steroid drops that they had prescribed. I couldn't get my mind off all the bad things that could go wrong...my mind immediately jumped to the worst case scenario. I found myself standing on a "ledge," ready to jump at any moment. I sent a text to Celeste, hoping she wouldn't be too busy, in full on freak out mode. Luckily, she replied quickly and told me one of things she tells me everyday: BREATHE. I forget to breathe all the time...I hold my breath while working out all the time. I don't do it consciously, but I often have to be reminded to just breathe. I am truly blessed to have friends who can talk me off the ledge...I seem to find myself there often.

First time trying tuna and salmon sashimi...I am now hooked!

The pain did eventually get better and I had a great weekend. I tried sashimi for the first time and hung out with friends on Saturday. I walked 5 miles each day at the park over the weekend as well. Monday started the same as it normally does: get everything ready for work and head to the gym for cardio before my workout session. As I was walking on the treadmill, I heard those words that I knew where coming soon: "So, are you ready to start running?" Yes, running is a goal of mine. Do I push myself that hard on my own? No. More so out of fear than anything else. That is why I see a trainer! However, there are days that I dread that push, even though I need it. If Celeste didn't push me, it isn't likely that I would push myself, so I am thankful for that. 

So, I told her maybe and she said to start running short times on the treadmill. I had a little over two minutes left, so I told her that I was almost done and she told me, "Great, then you can run all the way to the finish line!" REALLY?! She was very excited...me, not so much...but I did it anyway. I was glad that I did...when it was over. Again, I am thankful for the push, but I don't always like it in the moment. Then it was time to workout! Mondays are always a harder workout because of the group that I am with. They are some badass ladies! 

About 20 minutes into the session, my right eye went completely blurry. It was like someone had dripped milk in my eye. Everything was cloudy and faded, lights had halos around them, and I couldn't tell who was who from across the room. I wasn't concerned at first, but when it continued and I had to keep blinking and winking to try to make it better, I found myself back on that ledge. I had to distract myself. I didn't want to stop working out to call he doctor because I was afraid of what they were going to say. I thought if I just ignored it long enough, it would go away. But, that wasn't the case. I spent the rest of the day being shuffled to different doctors, emergency cell phone calls, missing work, and trying not leap from the ledge I found myself at once again. Turns out it was a combination of things that caused the problem: dilation of blood vessels due to exercise, increased inflammation, steroid drops not being strong enough, and a reaction to steroid drops causing extreme dry eyes and build up on the cornea, They gave me samples of some drops that my insurance wouldn't cover and sent me home. Two days later, I feel like it is back to normal...we shall see how it holds up at the gym today!

My terminator sunglasses because my eye was so light sensitive. This was me in the parking lot as I headed to the see the 2nd and 3rd doctors of the day...I was barely holding it together in this picture.

I also decided to add a few short term goals to my list on my bathroom mirror. I need to have something to work for and I need to have that daily reminder of what I am doing all this for. It also helps me to see how far I have come, since I don't see it when I look in the mirror. Maybe it is because I see myself everyday, maybe it is because I still tend to stay pretty down on myself. So my goal list is a nice reminder of what has already been done and what is still to come.

I am down another notch in my belt and VERY close (with a pound) of goal #2.

New picture of me from the weekend.

Lost my glasses and had to bust out an old pair to go to the park!

This week I have learned that I often find myself at that ledge, tempting myself to jump or turn away. Some days I think it would just be easier to jump. It's a fight not to give up and run away. It's what I have done my whole life. But that is why I must fight. I must fight the urge to jump and reach out to friends who have the amazing ability to talk me down and not put up with my bullshit. If I want to have a different life, I must do the hard things to get a different outcome. As hard as fighting is and will continue to be, I try to remember that it will be worth it in the end. So when you find yourself on the ledge, as we all do from time to time (some of us more than others,) reach out, take the hand of someone you trust, share even though it hurts, and fight like hell to get away from the edge. It won't be easy, it will be hard...but it will be worth it.

#BeBraveBeBadass #nevergiveup #nevergivein #teamendured #womanonaledge #dohardthings #fightlikeagirl

Operation Caryn's Smiles

I wanted to take a quick moment to ask all of you to LIKE TeamEndured on Facebook and to check out www.teamendured.com

This is something that has become very near and dear to my heart and after the year that I have had, it feels good to feel good. Below you will find my words that Angela asked me to write about what Operation Caryn's Smiles meant to me. I was shocked to see my name on anything, but I am so glad that Angela felt led to create this and I hope to spread the word for all to join in the pledge. Please feel free to contact me if you want to get involved or if you want to know more!

What Operation "Caryn's Smiles" means to us... I asked Caryn, the person who inspired Operation "Caryn's Smiles", to write what it means to her.  As you think about whether to step up and take the pledge think of the difference you can make in the lives of others like Caryn.

 "I loved the idea of Operation Caryn's Smiles as soon as I heard it. I am 35 years old and I have struggled with my weight for all of my adult life. As a kid and teenager, I was involved with sports year round, so I always got plenty of exercise. When I entered college, I went through spells where I would exercise and I played intramural ball, but my eating habits were garbage! After college, exercise was no longer a priority and the eating habits didn't change, so I began to pack on the pounds. Sadly those pounds are much easier to pack on than they are to come off.

I have been embarrassed to exercise in public because I feel like everyone is looking at the "fat girl" and wondering what she is thinking being out here. I would love to be a runner again, but at 260 lbs, with two knee surgeries and 3 herniated discs in my back, running may not be an option. I love to walk and I love to swim, even though I have to pause between each lap to catch my breath. I look at all these "skinny people" and I am jealous of them, but I also felt like they were secretly laughing in their head, wondering why in the world I was at the pool in my bathing suit.

​

When the subject came up about encouraging newbie's in the exercise world, I was all for it. I found out that mostly all "fit people" were not judging me like I had always thought. I found out that most were happy to see me trying.

I love the idea of Operation Caryn's Smiles because it actually gives the encouragement that we all need to hear. It makes me excited to try this whole exercise thing again. It makes me want to high five others as they jog past me. It inspires me not to give up this time. I currently weigh more now than I ever have in my entire life. Operation Caryn's Smiles makes me want to jump right in to an exercise program and not give up because I know that there are people out there cheering me on and are happy to see me join their crowd, even if it is at a slower pace.

- Caryn

​June 8, 2014

Finally a fairly happy post!

I feel like all my posts recently have been sad and down lately. I go back and read them often. It reminds where I am and where I am going. It also helps me focus and refocus on where I want to be. I am working on so many things right now that sometimes it is easy to lose sight of what is the most important. I have a hard time saying "No." I want to help everyone and I feel guilty if I can't. I don't like to let people down. But it leaves me feeling worn out, tired, and empty at times.

I have learned recently that my love language is Words of Affirmation, followed closely by Quality Time. After doing some reading about the different love languages, this really made sense to me. It brings me such joy and love to hear that someone is proud of me, to actually be told that I am loved. Actions do not speak louder than words for me. Unsolicited encouragement or praise mean the most to me. Words have the ability to make or break my soul. I don't always accept these compliments well, but I am working on it. This is followed closely by Quality Time...uninterrupted time with someone, without the distractions of cell phones or inattentiveness. I like to feel like I am important enough to someone that they can put away Facebook for the time we are together.

With that being said, it made my day when I got this text from my best friend this morning:

I was at the gym this morning when this came through my phone. When I read it, I had to choke back the tears. Part of me still thinks, "Why do I deserve this?" But another part of me knows that my friends are God's blessings in my life. Honestly, I don't deserve them, but I am beyond blessed to have them. I couldn't help but grin the rest of my workout. It filled my love account for the week. I am working to figure out other's love languages too so I can "speak" to them in a way that fills them up as much as I have been lately. I know that some days or weeks I won't always feel like this, but for now, I will revel in it. 

So, for now, I think this is about all I have to write today. Things have been really good lately. I am finding that more days I am happier than not. I haven't had a major migraine in almost a month. I am off of all medications for the first time in years. I am feeling better about life and myself. I still have a long way to go and I am still dealing with a lot. I feel like I am starting to get past some of the fear that has haunted me with all of the journey and that makes me happy. 

I am trying to make better choices.

#BeBraveBeBadass #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining #nevergiveup #nevergivein #doingahappydancetoday #feelingbettereveryday

Secrets and lies will kill even the strongest of people

Every week lately I think that I have gone through my toughest week, emotionally and physically. Through this whole journey of weight loss and fitness, I always thought that the physical battles would prove to be the hardest. I'm overweight and out of shape. I haven't exercised regularly since college (the first time around.) I was an athlete in high school and college, but that has dwindled over the years. I really never considered that there would be an emotional component to any of this. Man, was I wrong!

Before starting this blog, I was a fairly private person. I would post to Facebook, but more so just to vent or whine. I rarely talked about my feelings online. I never talked about them to a person. I hated to cry, to feel vulnerable. When Angela asked me to start a blog to keep up with my journey, it started out very superficial: what I ate, what I did for workouts, weight losses, etc. There was very little, if any, emotional connection to any of them. After the holidays when I decided that things finally had to change or I was going to die after living an unfulfilled life, I knew in my heart that there were a lot of underlying issues that I was going to have to deal with.

After my car accident last April, my emotions were out of control. My life was out of control. Having a brain injury changes things. I no longer felt like myself. I couldn't see from blurred vision. I had horrible anxiety whenever I left the house, especially in a car. I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes, the bits of the accident I could remember would send me straight into a panic attack. My memory was shot...and for someone who remembers things very easily and who has never struggled with being smart enough to do something, it was debilitating to my self esteem to not even be able to read a book or remember details from a show. It killed me to fail the ImPACT test week after week at the doctor's office.

My mom was my rock in those times. She took care of me for 4 months, shuffling me around to a million doctor's appointments. My sister would sit in bed with me and play cards because I couldn't do anything else. When I could actually watch tv again, she would lay in bed with me until I fell asleep, because I couldn't fall asleep if left alone in my room, and then she would leave me for the night. I couldn't have gotten through those times without them. My accident changed me. It changed my outlook on life and I realized how it could all be gone in an instant. It was the first time in forever that I started to see that there were so many things that I needed to change about my life.

Even in all my pain and fear, my sister was taking selfies with me and trying to make me smile.
I was not all there in this picture!

When I started this journey in January 2015, I had no idea where it would lead, and I never thought it would be such an emotional one for me. We all have secrets and lies in our past. Some of us push them away and forget them. Some of dwell on them for years. Some of us push them to deep, dark places, but never are able to forget them and they affect our entire life for years to come. Some of us turn to drugs, alcohol, abuse, suicide, and risk taking to deal with the emotional pain and burdens of our past mistakes. But in my newest leg of this journey, that has only been a little over a month, I am learning that there are positive ways to deal with the problems.

I can learn from them. I can admit them to safe people, who won't judge me and will keep my privacy if I want. I can cry about them. I can accept a hug from someone, I could give a hug to someone (still working on those!) My past may influence who I am today, but it doesn't have to control me and who I want to be. I don't have to be perfect. I can accept amazing people in my life because God put them there for a reason. It's okay for good things to happen to me. I can love myself and I can love others. I am hot mess, but I have people in my life who will love me and my mess.

I don't have it all together. All those things are the things that I know I need to do, but it is a work in progress that will take a long time. I wish it was overnight fix, but for now, I am learning to enjoy the journey, to soak up every moment that I can. I am meeting some awesome people along the way. I am slowly making friends and I am laughing with them. I crave going to the gym because even when I am in a bad mood (which is most mornings) I leave there with a smile. I enjoy the push, most days, from Celeste and others, even when I don't think I can do it, or even more so, when I don't want to do it! I have lost 15 lbs in about 5 weeks and I have long way to go, but it's a start.

So, when you feel like you are alone, like I feel most of the time, realize that you are not. Like Celeste tells me almost daily, "You don't have the monopoly on guilt or mistakes or poor choices. We've all been there." Sadly, I need to hear this almost daily! I guess one of the more surprising parts of this journey is that it's not just a physical one, but a mental, emotional, and spiritual one all wrapped up together. I can't change one thing without changing the others. I am working on forgiving others, forgiving myself, letting it go, and moving on. I am trying to remember that I am exactly where God wants me to be right now. It's not easy, but nothing ever worth it is. One day I hope to look back at these times and these entries and realize how far I have come and I hope to have helped others come a long way too. For now, it is one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at time, one foot in front of the other. That is all I know to do right now.

#BeBraveBeBadass #nevergiveup #nevergoingback #justkeepswimming #forgivenessishard #babysteps #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining

First short term goal met: my first 5K...and some new goals along the way

I've started and restarted this post about 10 times since the weekend. Every time I sit down to write it something else pops into my head and it changes the direction I thought that it was heading. I put this disclaimer in the beginning because this post is likely to be all over the place! I have a lot that I need to get out.

Anyone who has read my recent posts knows that I have always wanted to run a 5K race. Being overweight and out of shape, I knew that wasn't going to be a short term goal. But, I knew that I was physically capable of walking one, so I signed up. My plan all along was to do this one by myself. No need to invite friends to join me because I was only walking and didn't want to waste their time or my opportunities to share other things with friends. I signed up by myself and didn't tell anyone until after I had already done it. I only mentioned it in a previous blog post and didn't think much about it. As the the day before the race approached, it got out that I was doing it alone. Part of me was bummed, but at the same time, walking a 5K is not a huge deal! One of my new friends from the gym, Gloria, quickly volunteered to come with me and cheer me on. That made me smile and I figured it would be nice not to have to drive down there alone. I went to school Thursday night, like always, only to get a message from Celeste (my trainer) that she had signed up and her and Gloria were going to do it with me. Instantly, I was embarrassed. It wasn't what I had planned and I have a hard time with people making a big deal out of something that I do. I tried to talk her out of it and was reminded to be thankful instead. I came to terms with idea and figured it might actually be fun.

The morning (5:30 am) came very early on Saturday and I had only had about 4 hours of sleep. I have battled insomnia for most of my adult life and it struck with a vengeance that night. I know that I would be so grumpy with the lack of sleep and the fact that I am not a morning person and I was going to have to interact with people! I was also still suffering with all that comes from withdrawal from amitriptyline (see previous posts.) But, I needed to be positive and focus on the moments.

I have a really hard time focusing on the moments, soaking them all in: someone's smile, their eyes, the way the sun is shining and the birds are singing, how someone scrunches up their nose when they are cold, or how their eyes sparkle when they laugh. It is something that I am really work hard on. In order to do that, I have found that I have to look people directly in the eye, especially when I talk to them. Eye contact is so hard for me to do! I don't know why, but it is. I find myself often looking at their mouth, instead of their eyes, so I am making a conscious effort to change it.

Back to the race...it was so cold!! It got so cold that I started to just go numb. I had on two pairs of pants, two shirts, two gloves, and ear warmers. I had to go to the bathroom and had a time peeling all those layers off! When I went to meet up with Celeste and Gloria, I noticed someone standing near them with a Podium hoodie on. I thought to myself, "Hey, Angela has that shirt..." and then I realized who it was. I was shocked. Her and Nathan had planned to join my 5K from the moment I first posted about it. Celeste had always assumed that I knew. So, in a matter of two days, I went from doing it alone to being cheered on by 4 of my dear friends. They chose to freeze, and walk, just for me. It took all I had not to cry in the moment.

The race was without any mishaps and as we neared the end, Celeste and Angela started to push me to do more. I haven't run in years and, after two knee surgeries and being overweight, I knew it was going to hurt to try. But Angela told me that I need to finish with just enough left to get back to the car which wasn't that far way. So, we ran the last tiny bit. My knee felt fine, but I thought my lungs were going to explode. For a moment, I was really glad that I was running with my inhaler in my pocket! I finished the race in 00:54:15 and amazingly, I didn't finish last!

I was happy that I didn't have to this race alone, even though it wasn't a big deal. I was glad that my friends cared enough to share this with me. I was thrilled to have people their to encourage me, laugh with me, make me smile, and give me hugs (even though I am not a hugger.) It was a day that I will not ever forget and I am already looking forward to the next one.

That led to the next thought that I needed to update some short term goals. I keep things like that posted on my bathroom mirror so I will see it several times a day, especially first thing in the morning. I need that reminder daily so I don't give up. I have a bad habit of giving up and giving in too easily, especially if I think that I will fail at it. I would rather quit on my own terms than be a failure at something. It is yet another thing that I am working on! So, I hung my new goals up and marked off the ones that I had completed. I also hung up my race number as a reminder that I can do the things that I once thought impossible.

I had all my notes from the latest series at church hanging as well, but took them down because I couldn't see myself in the mirror! It is a nice reminder every morning and night about what I am fighting so hard for and why. 

Through this journey, I have had to do hard things. Physically hard things. Every day at the gym is a struggle not to give up and tell Celeste that I just can't do this. I am sure that I have enough people in my life that care about me that there would be Hell to pay if I chose that and some days that fear is motivation enough. But harder than the physical battle is the emotional one. I am not one to open up about my emotions. I keep things hidden from most people. I have buried and pushed down so many things in an effort to forget they ever happened. I have built walls to keep people out. I resist hugs because I am afraid of crying. I am afraid of crying because I worry about not being able to stop. I am afraid of falling back into the horrible choices of my past. I don't want to be in that place again. I don't want to be that person again. Some days are really good and some days are really bad. I long for days with an even keel. I know that this is a long journey that won't happen overnight, but that doesn't mean that I wish that it would. 

I am thankful for this struggle though. I have met some incredible people along the way. I have an amazing group of new and old friends who are helping through some of the toughest battles of my life so far. I cried at the gym today. I gave back a hug a the gym today (big deal for me.) I cracked a smile at the gym today. I laughed at the gym today. And I cried some more at the gym today. I am forever thankful for the support and the push from my friends. I will get through this. I will find the courage to let go of things that are holding me back. I'm not ready yet, but I will get there.

And I'll leave you with this...my best friend's son, Lucas, is 3 years old and apparently loves to eavesdrop of my phone conversations. I had told a story earlier in the day about Celeste getting on to me about not saying thank you to a compliment and for not celebrating my weight loss and fitness improvement. He started asking me, as soon as I got off the phone, "Why Ms. Celeste upset at you?" I had no idea what he was talking about...he doesn't even know her! He asked me all day long and it made me laugh so much that I finally had to record it. I hope it makes you smile! (Hope it works now!)

#bebrave #bebadass #neverquit #nevergiveup #nevergivein #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining #giveahugtosomeonetoday #eveniftheydonthugback #theyreallydolikethem

What did I do to deserve this?

We all have those questions anytime something negative happens in our lives: Why me? Why do bad things happens to good people? Will things ever get better? When will my bad luck run out? What did I do to deserve this? In the grand scheme of things, it seems normal to have this reaction. We don't like for bad things to happen, especially to us, but that is life and bad things do happen.

But some of us, myself included, ask this question anytime something good happens: What did I do to deserve THIS? I don't know why I do it, I think I always have, or at least for all of my adult life. I don't feel worthy of blessings, no matter how small. I know that they are gifts from God through people in my life, but I know that I don't deserve them. I find myself asking this about people as well. Why do they like me? Why do they want to be around me? Why do they believe in me? Why do the cheer me on? Why to they encourage me? Why do they want to see me smile? I don't deserve that.

It is something that has become a HUGE, uncontrollable battle for me right now. Part of me knows I shouldn't feel this way, but some other part of me, that seems to take over the control, tells me that I don't deserve good things or good people in my life. I have so many people in my corner, cheering me on, believing in me in ways that I can't even fathom.

I have my family, Mom, Dad, Kylie (sister), Jason (brother), April (brother's girlfriend), who believe in me in all I do. They aren't ever surprised when I get a good grade or achieve something that I thought was impossible.

I have Angela, who believed in me LONG before I even thought about believing in myself. She cheers me on through Facebook and thinks I have big things in store for my future. She evens thinks that I'll do a triathlon one day!

I have Nathan, who thinks I will actually RUN a 5K and do a triathlon in my future.

I have my best friend, Karen, who is excited for me and who tells me we can't be the chunky old people on our electric scooters, watching our kids and grand kids play together because we are too overweight and out of shape to play with them. She believes that I will be an amazing mother one day and she already loves me for who I am.

I have Celeste, who is my trainer and my friend, who is beyond amazing, who gets in my face and tells me I need to smile, tells me I need to celebrate, that says I am going to do big things. She believes that I will hit all the goals I want for my life. She seems to know what to say and when to say it. She makes me want to go to the gym every day (which is a miracle in itself!) She doesn't put up with my BS and tells me that things are going to change, starting today. She reminds me every day that tomorrow is a new day, and that is something I need to be reminded of several times daily. She also thinks that I'm going to learn to play tennis...I'm not so sure I believe that!

She put me in contact with Christina, who I spoke with for the first time yesterday, who I can already tell will be a huge blessing to me. Between the two of them, they think they can crack these walls I have built for so long...they don't know that they have a long, hard road ahead of them! I want to break them down, but I am scared to death.

I have so many others out there that I know are praying for me every day. And, every day, the question remains: What did I do to deserve this, to deserve them? My life has not always been easy, but it hasn't been as hard as some. I have made more than my share of poor choices, I have a past that I can't forgive myself for. There are things about me that only a few people know...there are things about me that no one knows. I can't forgive myself for my mistakes, but I know I need to and I am working on it. I know that I need to talk about these things to an actual person, face to face, instead of just taking the easy way out and writing them down. I know that I need to cry and deal with the pain of past mistakes. I know that I will probably feel better if I fall apart, but I am afraid that I won't be able to put myself back together. These are not new problems, but they are hard to get over. I have thought many times in the past that I have let them go, only to have them come back up later down the line. It is a marathon, not a sprint, and though the goal line is out of sight, I know it is there and I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

For a bit of good news (because I am learning to live for the moment and look for all the best parts of each moment...and I am supposed to be learning to smile and celebrate those moments)...I have lost 12 lbs since starting at the gym (on Jan 9th, I think.) I am officially one notch tighter in my belt (sometimes 2 notches, depending on what pants I have on.) I dug out the old gym shorts that I had in the bag to give to Goodwill because they didn't fit anymore, but I hadn't gotten around to taking them yet. They fit now and might even be too big come spring time when it would be warm enough to wear them. I made a 92 (A) on my first A&P2 test (that I really didn't feel prepared for.) And I am walking my very first OFFICIAL 5K on Saturday (in about 41 hours from right now!) I am nervous, but my only goal is to finish before they open the roads back up! 

I know that I am not alone in my feelings. I know that there are others out there who struggle with these same thoughts, some probably much worse. This is not meant to look like I am feeling sorry for myself, But, it is meant to put it all out there: the good, the bad, and the ugly. If I can help just one person through this journey of mine, it will be a success. I would love to touch hundreds, Hell, even thousands, but for now it's one step at time, one moment at a time, one person at a time.

#bebrave #bebadass #nevergiveup #nevergivein #tomorrowisanewday #liveandlovethenow #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining #icandothis #iwilldothis

Withdrawal and a wake up call

I've always known that withdrawal was not a fun experience. I've heard all the stories about withdrawal from illegal drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol, and even caffeine. I have never had to deal with drug withdrawal (since I have never participated in that activity,) never had to deal with alcohol or even caffeine withdrawal. But after doing some research over the weekend, I have come to realize that I am currently experiencing the effects of withdrawal.

I have been suffering from migraines since I was 18. I have been on so many medications, both abortive and preventative over the years. They all have side effects that are undesirable. The trade off is worth it though if they actually work. The abortive medicine I take makes me so sleepy, but it's worth it because it gets rid of the headache. The preventatives are a different story. They make me sleepy, slow my digestion, increase weight gain, and make me feel groggy. All the while, they really don't do anything to prevent the migraines. So, I spoke with my doctor about 6 weeks ago, and he said to start tapering down the dosage. Because it is a antidepressant (amitriptyline), it is not advisable to stop cold turkey. It has been a long process and one that has made me nervous. Some people have really severe withdrawal symptoms, but I never had many problems with the taper. However, the complete lack of the medication has been a different story and one that I didn't realize was happening until a week later.

Last week was my first full week on no medication. I was concerned initially because it also helps with the insomnia that I have had for years. But, I never had any problems with falling asleep. However, my mood sucked last week. I had no motivation, no energy, no drive. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I only went to gym the two days I was scheduled with Celeste because I waited too late to cancel. In my heart, I felt guilty for the way I was feeling, but I just couldn't shake it. I worried that the severe depression, that I have also dealt with since I was 18, was coming back. I fought with all my being to make it to work every day. I missed school on Tuesday night because of a really bad headache that started on Monday and never really went away. I felt as if all the joy had been sucked out of my life and I was sad and alone. It was a horrible feeling, especially since the week before had been so good! 

I just couldn't shake it off. I forced myself to go to the park on Saturday and walk 3 miles, even though it was freezing and I really didn't want to go. I spent most of my time in conversation with God. People probably thought I was crazy, as I was literally talking out loud. I needed to vent...I needed to get those emotions out. I don't do well AT ALL with expressing my emotions. I keep them to myself and rarely approach someone else to talk about them. Normally the only way to get me to talk with someone is if that person picks up on the change and asks me about it. I tend to become extremely quiet in times like these, even more so than normal. I know that this is not the best coping strategy, but it is what I do. I think a part of me does it to protect myself from totally losing it and breaking down to someone else. I don't like to feel vulnerable...it's something that I am working on.

After my walk, I began to feel a bit better. Saturday night I began researching how long it took for the medication to clear my system and I found varying results. But, I came across a site that listed possible withdrawal symptoms from amitriptyline and wouldn't you know, I had so many of them! It was like a light bulb went on and I realized what was going on. Most are due to the low amounts of neurotransmitters in the brain that the body has to pick up the slack again. It takes some time, but it will kick back in shortly. It was a bit of a relief to find that I wasn't really going crazy, I was just in withdrawal!

Sunday I found myself in a better mood, even though it was the beginning of a very busy week ahead. The series at church has been a life changing one and it has been what I needed to hear every week. It hasn't really been what I wanted to hear, but something I definitely needed to hear! Here are the pictures of my notes from the past 4 weeks...a little insight into 12Stone Church and how my mind works while I am there.

 Week 1: Resiliency--Stand up, Stand firm, Stand back up

 Week 2: Re-enlist--Rededicate to it tomorrow and every day after

 Week 3: Self Restraint--Walk with, Walk away, Walk in

Week 4: Happiness and Instant Gratification--"It's" Never Enough

Every week I think *this* week is the best one and the one most meant for me. And every week, I say that and every week, it is just what I need to hear. Through this journey, I have had to accept some very hard truths about myself: 

I give up too easily, I keep my emotions shut in, I want what others have without all the work, I let myself be swayed by society, I can't forgive myself, I am afraid to love others, I am selfish, I am incredibly smart but I don't use it like I should, I like to be right, I don't like to let others get close, I need to be right, I am a hypocrite, I absolutely hate to lose, I am a pessimist but I just call myself a realist, I don't believe in myself, I hate being wrong, I am terrified of the future. I have lost my hope and sometimes my faith.

My list could go on, but those are the big ones. I put this out there because I KNOW that there are others that feel this way too. I know that everyone goes through these feelings and I know that maybe by putting it all out there, I can help. Maybe it'll even help me. If you asked me these things, face to face, I'd never be able to be so open and honest, but through this screen and these written words, it is easier to put it out there. This self evaluation has been my wake up call. I pray daily that I can move past the truths and create new truths about myself, but for now, this is it...maybe by recognizing them, I am one step closer to putting it all behind me.

#bebrave #bebadass #nevergiveup #neverquit #teamendured #operationcarynssmiles #sometimestearsaregood #stillhaveahardtimeacceptingthat