Half hearted or totally devoted?

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and where it is heading. I look back at where I was and I see where I am now and I pleased about the way things are going. But at the same time, I know I could do more. I want more out of my life. I want to be more. This week's service at 12Stone Church struck a chord with me and was exactly what I needed to hear. You can check it out online at http://12stone.com/watch/great-and-awesome/our-god-who-overcomes/ and you'll be inspired for sure!

For me, my notes were full. I have lived my entire life being "half way in." I completed high school half way, doing only enough to get by. I played sports that way in the end of things, only working hard when I had to. I have been half way with school, which is why I am 36 and in college...again. I treat my fitness and health half way, working hard for a while and then slacking off...yet wondering why I am not progressing like I had hoped. I have treated my finances half way and spent when I wanted to spend, no matter the consequences of debt. I have even treated my faith half way, only leaning on God when it is convenient and not when it is hard.

So yesterday was a real eye opener for me. No more time for half hearted living...it's time for total devotion to the things that matter. It's time to work hard and play later. It's time to crack down and get serious about the things that I want in life. I sat and looked at my long term goal list in my bathroom this morning. I hadn't done that in a while. I mean, I see it every day, but I don't look at it and think about it every day like I used to. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I have dreamed of having children for as long as I remember. It has been my number one goal for my life. There are times when I have thought that maybe that wasn't in the cards for me...maybe it wasn't part of God's plan. But, I don't really believe that. I don't think God would have given me such a passion for parenting if it wasn't to happen. So I looked today at that list and adopting a child stood out to me. If that is something that I really want to do (or have a child through other means) then I have to work hard for it. It's not just going to fall into my lap without any effort.

I have never been the greatest about sticking to a budget. I can write a budget and it all looks good on paper, but when it comes to actually sticking to it, I suck at it! But, for the first time in my life, I have a budget with every single dollar accounted for and planned for. I have stupid debt. Much more than I should and probably not as much as some. I have credit card debt, medical debt, and way too much student loan debt. But, I have a plan and I am working slowly, but surely, on paying off that debt. Thankfully my student loan is on good standing and is currently deferred while I am in school. 

My health and fitness have been a struggle since I got out of college back in 1999-2000. Stupid choices and a lack of exercise ave landed me where I am today. I was rocking really well for about 3 months and I got lazy. I missed a day, then a week, then two weeks. Next thing I knew, I was eating junk, driving through the fast food line, eating too late, and not cooking. It was so easy to fall right back into the bad habits. Even when I realized what was happening, I had lost the motivation. I was distracted and discouraged. It was easier to go back to the old choices. It was too hard to force myself to get up early to go to the gym. I had other things that I wanted to do on the weekends that didn't involve waking early to go walk or run at the park. But, yesterday was yet another wake up call. 

It's time to crack down and me totally devoted to the things that matter...to things that are important to me: faith, family, fitness, and finances. I can do this...not alone, but with God, all things are possible. I have new outlook on life and I am jumping in totally devoted to reaching the goals that I set out for myself...and maybe even some that I haven't realized that I want yet.

Have you ever felt like you let everyone down?

Have you ever felt like you let everyone down? Have you ever thought of yourself as a disappointment? Has anyone ever looked up to you and you wondered why? Have you ever been some one's role model and totally failed at it?

This is how I have felt the last few weeks since my last blog entry. I have shut myself in and away from mostly everyone and everything. The following is a copy of the email that I sent to Celeste, my trainer and friend, on Monday:

I feel like I owe you an explanation. It is not an excuse, but I feel like I need to let you in on what has been going on since Spring Break. 

I took Spring Break week off (first mistake) because I was nearing exhaustion. I was also house sitting on my work side of town and you were gone, so I figured no one would notice. I told myself it was only a week and I needed it. The following week I was sick and not sleeping and totally tired, so I didn't come. It was probably for the best since my lungs were totally gunked up. But after two weeks being gone, I found that my motivation left with it. I was still losing weight. so it started a way of thinking that has been detrimental. I came for my two sessions, but started finding excuses as to why I couldn't come for cardio. Something was better than nothing, right?

Then finals kicked in and my stress level went through the roof. When I get stressed, two things happen: I don't sleep much or well and I eat. Not only do I eat, but I crave junk. And the past two weeks, I caved bad. And the more that I gave in, the more that I found myself just not caring. I stopped weighing myself, stopped drinking water, stopped exercising, stopped giving a crap. And after a week, I said I would stop. But the stress didn't stop, so I didn't either. Coupled with finals and having to work early and late at school, I found myself not being able to come to the gym AND eating nearly every meal from a fast food joint. Again I said that Monday would be different...but as you know now, I didn't come in today. My alarm went off and I caved again and turned it off and went back to sleep. 

I feel awful...mentally and physically, as well as emotionally. It's been a spiral. I am mad and embarrassed that I let this happen. Everyone at work looks to me, and yet I keep this from them too. I weighed this morning and I am up almost 10 POUNDS from my last blog post 2ish weeks ago. I was devastated and sad and humiliated. And I found myself wanting to avoid the gym, to give up, to quit, because I didn't want to answer for my choices. I wanted to turn and run. I wanted to turn to all the bad choices that I have made in the past. If I had it my house, I would have quickly and easily turned to the poor choices that I have turned to in the past...and I found myself angry that I had thought that. 

I sit here now in tears as I type this. I know that people have ups and downs, but I chose this, and I didn't care. I have avoided anyone that I have some accountability to. I have kept all this a secret and I could easily just give up and be done. Which is why I had to write to you. I am pretty sure what I know you will say. But I needed to write this and I needed you to know. And I needed to apologize...I am sorry I have let you down and I have let myself down. And I don't know what I need to do to get out of this hole that I still find myself in.

Even sitting here now, rereading this, it makes me sad. I wonder if I am deserving of those who look to me for motivation and inspiration. I feel like I have failed them and they don't even know it. I am not worthy of their praise, not when I let this happen. I know that I am in a hole right now and I know that I have a fight ahead of me to get out of it. 

But, I sit here tonight, writing this, for several reasons. One, I need to be open and honest, even if it is ugly...that is what I agreed to when I started this. Two, who knows if there is someone else out there that feels the same way...and if there isn't right now, there will be one day. Three, it gets it out...and once it's out, I can work though it, process it, and move past it. So, tomorrow morning, I am back at the gym. I will probably hate myself and maybe even hate Celeste, but I need it. I have to do this. I have to many plans, hopes, and dreams for the future to let it all crumble now!

#BeBraveBeBadass #nevergiveup #nevegivein #neverquit #feelinglikeafailure #hatedisappoiment #turnandrunisnotanoption #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining