New goals, new struggles, and standing on a ledge

This has been a challenging week for me. My post last week was so positive and I seemed to jinx myself because it all started to snowball after I posted it! I was hit with a migraine on Thursday before heading to class for A&P lab where we had to dissect the blood vessels in a cat. I was struggling to keep it together. My head was going to explode. The last thing I wanted to do was cut open a cat and deal with the smell that comes with that. Normally I LOVE dissection days, but not with a raging migraine. I somehow managed to make it through the 3 hour class and even got to sleep without having to use any meds stronger than the Aleve I took at work.

Friday I went to the gym early to workout because I had laser iridotomy scheduled at 10:00am for my right eye. Basically they used a laser to cut a hole in the iris (colored part) of my eye in order to treat the narrow angles that I have. This was to prevent a pressure spike in the future that would be considered glaucoma. Despite my nerves, the procedure went well, even though it had crazy side effects to my eyeball!

My eyes right after my procedure. My pupil stayed this small until the next morning!

They told me that everything would be back to normal by the evening and I shouldn't have any pain. They were wrong! By the time I got to work, I was in a lot of pain. All I could think about was all the things that I needed to get done that night for school. I had nothing to use for the pain, other than the steroid drops that they had prescribed. I couldn't get my mind off all the bad things that could go wrong...my mind immediately jumped to the worst case scenario. I found myself standing on a "ledge," ready to jump at any moment. I sent a text to Celeste, hoping she wouldn't be too busy, in full on freak out mode. Luckily, she replied quickly and told me one of things she tells me everyday: BREATHE. I forget to breathe all the time...I hold my breath while working out all the time. I don't do it consciously, but I often have to be reminded to just breathe. I am truly blessed to have friends who can talk me off the ledge...I seem to find myself there often.

First time trying tuna and salmon sashimi...I am now hooked!

The pain did eventually get better and I had a great weekend. I tried sashimi for the first time and hung out with friends on Saturday. I walked 5 miles each day at the park over the weekend as well. Monday started the same as it normally does: get everything ready for work and head to the gym for cardio before my workout session. As I was walking on the treadmill, I heard those words that I knew where coming soon: "So, are you ready to start running?" Yes, running is a goal of mine. Do I push myself that hard on my own? No. More so out of fear than anything else. That is why I see a trainer! However, there are days that I dread that push, even though I need it. If Celeste didn't push me, it isn't likely that I would push myself, so I am thankful for that. 

So, I told her maybe and she said to start running short times on the treadmill. I had a little over two minutes left, so I told her that I was almost done and she told me, "Great, then you can run all the way to the finish line!" REALLY?! She was very excited...me, not so much...but I did it anyway. I was glad that I did...when it was over. Again, I am thankful for the push, but I don't always like it in the moment. Then it was time to workout! Mondays are always a harder workout because of the group that I am with. They are some badass ladies! 

About 20 minutes into the session, my right eye went completely blurry. It was like someone had dripped milk in my eye. Everything was cloudy and faded, lights had halos around them, and I couldn't tell who was who from across the room. I wasn't concerned at first, but when it continued and I had to keep blinking and winking to try to make it better, I found myself back on that ledge. I had to distract myself. I didn't want to stop working out to call he doctor because I was afraid of what they were going to say. I thought if I just ignored it long enough, it would go away. But, that wasn't the case. I spent the rest of the day being shuffled to different doctors, emergency cell phone calls, missing work, and trying not leap from the ledge I found myself at once again. Turns out it was a combination of things that caused the problem: dilation of blood vessels due to exercise, increased inflammation, steroid drops not being strong enough, and a reaction to steroid drops causing extreme dry eyes and build up on the cornea, They gave me samples of some drops that my insurance wouldn't cover and sent me home. Two days later, I feel like it is back to normal...we shall see how it holds up at the gym today!

My terminator sunglasses because my eye was so light sensitive. This was me in the parking lot as I headed to the see the 2nd and 3rd doctors of the day...I was barely holding it together in this picture.

I also decided to add a few short term goals to my list on my bathroom mirror. I need to have something to work for and I need to have that daily reminder of what I am doing all this for. It also helps me to see how far I have come, since I don't see it when I look in the mirror. Maybe it is because I see myself everyday, maybe it is because I still tend to stay pretty down on myself. So my goal list is a nice reminder of what has already been done and what is still to come.

I am down another notch in my belt and VERY close (with a pound) of goal #2.

New picture of me from the weekend.

Lost my glasses and had to bust out an old pair to go to the park!

This week I have learned that I often find myself at that ledge, tempting myself to jump or turn away. Some days I think it would just be easier to jump. It's a fight not to give up and run away. It's what I have done my whole life. But that is why I must fight. I must fight the urge to jump and reach out to friends who have the amazing ability to talk me down and not put up with my bullshit. If I want to have a different life, I must do the hard things to get a different outcome. As hard as fighting is and will continue to be, I try to remember that it will be worth it in the end. So when you find yourself on the ledge, as we all do from time to time (some of us more than others,) reach out, take the hand of someone you trust, share even though it hurts, and fight like hell to get away from the edge. It won't be easy, it will be hard...but it will be worth it.

#BeBraveBeBadass #nevergiveup #nevergivein #teamendured #womanonaledge #dohardthings #fightlikeagirl

Operation Caryn's Smiles

I wanted to take a quick moment to ask all of you to LIKE TeamEndured on Facebook and to check out www.teamendured.com

This is something that has become very near and dear to my heart and after the year that I have had, it feels good to feel good. Below you will find my words that Angela asked me to write about what Operation Caryn's Smiles meant to me. I was shocked to see my name on anything, but I am so glad that Angela felt led to create this and I hope to spread the word for all to join in the pledge. Please feel free to contact me if you want to get involved or if you want to know more!

What Operation "Caryn's Smiles" means to us... I asked Caryn, the person who inspired Operation "Caryn's Smiles", to write what it means to her.  As you think about whether to step up and take the pledge think of the difference you can make in the lives of others like Caryn.

 "I loved the idea of Operation Caryn's Smiles as soon as I heard it. I am 35 years old and I have struggled with my weight for all of my adult life. As a kid and teenager, I was involved with sports year round, so I always got plenty of exercise. When I entered college, I went through spells where I would exercise and I played intramural ball, but my eating habits were garbage! After college, exercise was no longer a priority and the eating habits didn't change, so I began to pack on the pounds. Sadly those pounds are much easier to pack on than they are to come off.

I have been embarrassed to exercise in public because I feel like everyone is looking at the "fat girl" and wondering what she is thinking being out here. I would love to be a runner again, but at 260 lbs, with two knee surgeries and 3 herniated discs in my back, running may not be an option. I love to walk and I love to swim, even though I have to pause between each lap to catch my breath. I look at all these "skinny people" and I am jealous of them, but I also felt like they were secretly laughing in their head, wondering why in the world I was at the pool in my bathing suit.

​

When the subject came up about encouraging newbie's in the exercise world, I was all for it. I found out that mostly all "fit people" were not judging me like I had always thought. I found out that most were happy to see me trying.

I love the idea of Operation Caryn's Smiles because it actually gives the encouragement that we all need to hear. It makes me excited to try this whole exercise thing again. It makes me want to high five others as they jog past me. It inspires me not to give up this time. I currently weigh more now than I ever have in my entire life. Operation Caryn's Smiles makes me want to jump right in to an exercise program and not give up because I know that there are people out there cheering me on and are happy to see me join their crowd, even if it is at a slower pace.

- Caryn

​June 8, 2014

Finally a fairly happy post!

I feel like all my posts recently have been sad and down lately. I go back and read them often. It reminds where I am and where I am going. It also helps me focus and refocus on where I want to be. I am working on so many things right now that sometimes it is easy to lose sight of what is the most important. I have a hard time saying "No." I want to help everyone and I feel guilty if I can't. I don't like to let people down. But it leaves me feeling worn out, tired, and empty at times.

I have learned recently that my love language is Words of Affirmation, followed closely by Quality Time. After doing some reading about the different love languages, this really made sense to me. It brings me such joy and love to hear that someone is proud of me, to actually be told that I am loved. Actions do not speak louder than words for me. Unsolicited encouragement or praise mean the most to me. Words have the ability to make or break my soul. I don't always accept these compliments well, but I am working on it. This is followed closely by Quality Time...uninterrupted time with someone, without the distractions of cell phones or inattentiveness. I like to feel like I am important enough to someone that they can put away Facebook for the time we are together.

With that being said, it made my day when I got this text from my best friend this morning:

I was at the gym this morning when this came through my phone. When I read it, I had to choke back the tears. Part of me still thinks, "Why do I deserve this?" But another part of me knows that my friends are God's blessings in my life. Honestly, I don't deserve them, but I am beyond blessed to have them. I couldn't help but grin the rest of my workout. It filled my love account for the week. I am working to figure out other's love languages too so I can "speak" to them in a way that fills them up as much as I have been lately. I know that some days or weeks I won't always feel like this, but for now, I will revel in it. 

So, for now, I think this is about all I have to write today. Things have been really good lately. I am finding that more days I am happier than not. I haven't had a major migraine in almost a month. I am off of all medications for the first time in years. I am feeling better about life and myself. I still have a long way to go and I am still dealing with a lot. I feel like I am starting to get past some of the fear that has haunted me with all of the journey and that makes me happy. 

I am trying to make better choices.

#BeBraveBeBadass #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining #nevergiveup #nevergivein #doingahappydancetoday #feelingbettereveryday

Secrets and lies will kill even the strongest of people

Every week lately I think that I have gone through my toughest week, emotionally and physically. Through this whole journey of weight loss and fitness, I always thought that the physical battles would prove to be the hardest. I'm overweight and out of shape. I haven't exercised regularly since college (the first time around.) I was an athlete in high school and college, but that has dwindled over the years. I really never considered that there would be an emotional component to any of this. Man, was I wrong!

Before starting this blog, I was a fairly private person. I would post to Facebook, but more so just to vent or whine. I rarely talked about my feelings online. I never talked about them to a person. I hated to cry, to feel vulnerable. When Angela asked me to start a blog to keep up with my journey, it started out very superficial: what I ate, what I did for workouts, weight losses, etc. There was very little, if any, emotional connection to any of them. After the holidays when I decided that things finally had to change or I was going to die after living an unfulfilled life, I knew in my heart that there were a lot of underlying issues that I was going to have to deal with.

After my car accident last April, my emotions were out of control. My life was out of control. Having a brain injury changes things. I no longer felt like myself. I couldn't see from blurred vision. I had horrible anxiety whenever I left the house, especially in a car. I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes, the bits of the accident I could remember would send me straight into a panic attack. My memory was shot...and for someone who remembers things very easily and who has never struggled with being smart enough to do something, it was debilitating to my self esteem to not even be able to read a book or remember details from a show. It killed me to fail the ImPACT test week after week at the doctor's office.

My mom was my rock in those times. She took care of me for 4 months, shuffling me around to a million doctor's appointments. My sister would sit in bed with me and play cards because I couldn't do anything else. When I could actually watch tv again, she would lay in bed with me until I fell asleep, because I couldn't fall asleep if left alone in my room, and then she would leave me for the night. I couldn't have gotten through those times without them. My accident changed me. It changed my outlook on life and I realized how it could all be gone in an instant. It was the first time in forever that I started to see that there were so many things that I needed to change about my life.

Even in all my pain and fear, my sister was taking selfies with me and trying to make me smile.
I was not all there in this picture!

When I started this journey in January 2015, I had no idea where it would lead, and I never thought it would be such an emotional one for me. We all have secrets and lies in our past. Some of us push them away and forget them. Some of dwell on them for years. Some of us push them to deep, dark places, but never are able to forget them and they affect our entire life for years to come. Some of us turn to drugs, alcohol, abuse, suicide, and risk taking to deal with the emotional pain and burdens of our past mistakes. But in my newest leg of this journey, that has only been a little over a month, I am learning that there are positive ways to deal with the problems.

I can learn from them. I can admit them to safe people, who won't judge me and will keep my privacy if I want. I can cry about them. I can accept a hug from someone, I could give a hug to someone (still working on those!) My past may influence who I am today, but it doesn't have to control me and who I want to be. I don't have to be perfect. I can accept amazing people in my life because God put them there for a reason. It's okay for good things to happen to me. I can love myself and I can love others. I am hot mess, but I have people in my life who will love me and my mess.

I don't have it all together. All those things are the things that I know I need to do, but it is a work in progress that will take a long time. I wish it was overnight fix, but for now, I am learning to enjoy the journey, to soak up every moment that I can. I am meeting some awesome people along the way. I am slowly making friends and I am laughing with them. I crave going to the gym because even when I am in a bad mood (which is most mornings) I leave there with a smile. I enjoy the push, most days, from Celeste and others, even when I don't think I can do it, or even more so, when I don't want to do it! I have lost 15 lbs in about 5 weeks and I have long way to go, but it's a start.

So, when you feel like you are alone, like I feel most of the time, realize that you are not. Like Celeste tells me almost daily, "You don't have the monopoly on guilt or mistakes or poor choices. We've all been there." Sadly, I need to hear this almost daily! I guess one of the more surprising parts of this journey is that it's not just a physical one, but a mental, emotional, and spiritual one all wrapped up together. I can't change one thing without changing the others. I am working on forgiving others, forgiving myself, letting it go, and moving on. I am trying to remember that I am exactly where God wants me to be right now. It's not easy, but nothing ever worth it is. One day I hope to look back at these times and these entries and realize how far I have come and I hope to have helped others come a long way too. For now, it is one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at time, one foot in front of the other. That is all I know to do right now.

#BeBraveBeBadass #nevergiveup #nevergoingback #justkeepswimming #forgivenessishard #babysteps #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining

First short term goal met: my first 5K...and some new goals along the way

I've started and restarted this post about 10 times since the weekend. Every time I sit down to write it something else pops into my head and it changes the direction I thought that it was heading. I put this disclaimer in the beginning because this post is likely to be all over the place! I have a lot that I need to get out.

Anyone who has read my recent posts knows that I have always wanted to run a 5K race. Being overweight and out of shape, I knew that wasn't going to be a short term goal. But, I knew that I was physically capable of walking one, so I signed up. My plan all along was to do this one by myself. No need to invite friends to join me because I was only walking and didn't want to waste their time or my opportunities to share other things with friends. I signed up by myself and didn't tell anyone until after I had already done it. I only mentioned it in a previous blog post and didn't think much about it. As the the day before the race approached, it got out that I was doing it alone. Part of me was bummed, but at the same time, walking a 5K is not a huge deal! One of my new friends from the gym, Gloria, quickly volunteered to come with me and cheer me on. That made me smile and I figured it would be nice not to have to drive down there alone. I went to school Thursday night, like always, only to get a message from Celeste (my trainer) that she had signed up and her and Gloria were going to do it with me. Instantly, I was embarrassed. It wasn't what I had planned and I have a hard time with people making a big deal out of something that I do. I tried to talk her out of it and was reminded to be thankful instead. I came to terms with idea and figured it might actually be fun.

The morning (5:30 am) came very early on Saturday and I had only had about 4 hours of sleep. I have battled insomnia for most of my adult life and it struck with a vengeance that night. I know that I would be so grumpy with the lack of sleep and the fact that I am not a morning person and I was going to have to interact with people! I was also still suffering with all that comes from withdrawal from amitriptyline (see previous posts.) But, I needed to be positive and focus on the moments.

I have a really hard time focusing on the moments, soaking them all in: someone's smile, their eyes, the way the sun is shining and the birds are singing, how someone scrunches up their nose when they are cold, or how their eyes sparkle when they laugh. It is something that I am really work hard on. In order to do that, I have found that I have to look people directly in the eye, especially when I talk to them. Eye contact is so hard for me to do! I don't know why, but it is. I find myself often looking at their mouth, instead of their eyes, so I am making a conscious effort to change it.

Back to the race...it was so cold!! It got so cold that I started to just go numb. I had on two pairs of pants, two shirts, two gloves, and ear warmers. I had to go to the bathroom and had a time peeling all those layers off! When I went to meet up with Celeste and Gloria, I noticed someone standing near them with a Podium hoodie on. I thought to myself, "Hey, Angela has that shirt..." and then I realized who it was. I was shocked. Her and Nathan had planned to join my 5K from the moment I first posted about it. Celeste had always assumed that I knew. So, in a matter of two days, I went from doing it alone to being cheered on by 4 of my dear friends. They chose to freeze, and walk, just for me. It took all I had not to cry in the moment.

The race was without any mishaps and as we neared the end, Celeste and Angela started to push me to do more. I haven't run in years and, after two knee surgeries and being overweight, I knew it was going to hurt to try. But Angela told me that I need to finish with just enough left to get back to the car which wasn't that far way. So, we ran the last tiny bit. My knee felt fine, but I thought my lungs were going to explode. For a moment, I was really glad that I was running with my inhaler in my pocket! I finished the race in 00:54:15 and amazingly, I didn't finish last!

I was happy that I didn't have to this race alone, even though it wasn't a big deal. I was glad that my friends cared enough to share this with me. I was thrilled to have people their to encourage me, laugh with me, make me smile, and give me hugs (even though I am not a hugger.) It was a day that I will not ever forget and I am already looking forward to the next one.

That led to the next thought that I needed to update some short term goals. I keep things like that posted on my bathroom mirror so I will see it several times a day, especially first thing in the morning. I need that reminder daily so I don't give up. I have a bad habit of giving up and giving in too easily, especially if I think that I will fail at it. I would rather quit on my own terms than be a failure at something. It is yet another thing that I am working on! So, I hung my new goals up and marked off the ones that I had completed. I also hung up my race number as a reminder that I can do the things that I once thought impossible.

I had all my notes from the latest series at church hanging as well, but took them down because I couldn't see myself in the mirror! It is a nice reminder every morning and night about what I am fighting so hard for and why. 

Through this journey, I have had to do hard things. Physically hard things. Every day at the gym is a struggle not to give up and tell Celeste that I just can't do this. I am sure that I have enough people in my life that care about me that there would be Hell to pay if I chose that and some days that fear is motivation enough. But harder than the physical battle is the emotional one. I am not one to open up about my emotions. I keep things hidden from most people. I have buried and pushed down so many things in an effort to forget they ever happened. I have built walls to keep people out. I resist hugs because I am afraid of crying. I am afraid of crying because I worry about not being able to stop. I am afraid of falling back into the horrible choices of my past. I don't want to be in that place again. I don't want to be that person again. Some days are really good and some days are really bad. I long for days with an even keel. I know that this is a long journey that won't happen overnight, but that doesn't mean that I wish that it would. 

I am thankful for this struggle though. I have met some incredible people along the way. I have an amazing group of new and old friends who are helping through some of the toughest battles of my life so far. I cried at the gym today. I gave back a hug a the gym today (big deal for me.) I cracked a smile at the gym today. I laughed at the gym today. And I cried some more at the gym today. I am forever thankful for the support and the push from my friends. I will get through this. I will find the courage to let go of things that are holding me back. I'm not ready yet, but I will get there.

And I'll leave you with this...my best friend's son, Lucas, is 3 years old and apparently loves to eavesdrop of my phone conversations. I had told a story earlier in the day about Celeste getting on to me about not saying thank you to a compliment and for not celebrating my weight loss and fitness improvement. He started asking me, as soon as I got off the phone, "Why Ms. Celeste upset at you?" I had no idea what he was talking about...he doesn't even know her! He asked me all day long and it made me laugh so much that I finally had to record it. I hope it makes you smile! (Hope it works now!)

#bebrave #bebadass #neverquit #nevergiveup #nevergivein #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining #giveahugtosomeonetoday #eveniftheydonthugback #theyreallydolikethem

What did I do to deserve this?

We all have those questions anytime something negative happens in our lives: Why me? Why do bad things happens to good people? Will things ever get better? When will my bad luck run out? What did I do to deserve this? In the grand scheme of things, it seems normal to have this reaction. We don't like for bad things to happen, especially to us, but that is life and bad things do happen.

But some of us, myself included, ask this question anytime something good happens: What did I do to deserve THIS? I don't know why I do it, I think I always have, or at least for all of my adult life. I don't feel worthy of blessings, no matter how small. I know that they are gifts from God through people in my life, but I know that I don't deserve them. I find myself asking this about people as well. Why do they like me? Why do they want to be around me? Why do they believe in me? Why do the cheer me on? Why to they encourage me? Why do they want to see me smile? I don't deserve that.

It is something that has become a HUGE, uncontrollable battle for me right now. Part of me knows I shouldn't feel this way, but some other part of me, that seems to take over the control, tells me that I don't deserve good things or good people in my life. I have so many people in my corner, cheering me on, believing in me in ways that I can't even fathom.

I have my family, Mom, Dad, Kylie (sister), Jason (brother), April (brother's girlfriend), who believe in me in all I do. They aren't ever surprised when I get a good grade or achieve something that I thought was impossible.

I have Angela, who believed in me LONG before I even thought about believing in myself. She cheers me on through Facebook and thinks I have big things in store for my future. She evens thinks that I'll do a triathlon one day!

I have Nathan, who thinks I will actually RUN a 5K and do a triathlon in my future.

I have my best friend, Karen, who is excited for me and who tells me we can't be the chunky old people on our electric scooters, watching our kids and grand kids play together because we are too overweight and out of shape to play with them. She believes that I will be an amazing mother one day and she already loves me for who I am.

I have Celeste, who is my trainer and my friend, who is beyond amazing, who gets in my face and tells me I need to smile, tells me I need to celebrate, that says I am going to do big things. She believes that I will hit all the goals I want for my life. She seems to know what to say and when to say it. She makes me want to go to the gym every day (which is a miracle in itself!) She doesn't put up with my BS and tells me that things are going to change, starting today. She reminds me every day that tomorrow is a new day, and that is something I need to be reminded of several times daily. She also thinks that I'm going to learn to play tennis...I'm not so sure I believe that!

She put me in contact with Christina, who I spoke with for the first time yesterday, who I can already tell will be a huge blessing to me. Between the two of them, they think they can crack these walls I have built for so long...they don't know that they have a long, hard road ahead of them! I want to break them down, but I am scared to death.

I have so many others out there that I know are praying for me every day. And, every day, the question remains: What did I do to deserve this, to deserve them? My life has not always been easy, but it hasn't been as hard as some. I have made more than my share of poor choices, I have a past that I can't forgive myself for. There are things about me that only a few people know...there are things about me that no one knows. I can't forgive myself for my mistakes, but I know I need to and I am working on it. I know that I need to talk about these things to an actual person, face to face, instead of just taking the easy way out and writing them down. I know that I need to cry and deal with the pain of past mistakes. I know that I will probably feel better if I fall apart, but I am afraid that I won't be able to put myself back together. These are not new problems, but they are hard to get over. I have thought many times in the past that I have let them go, only to have them come back up later down the line. It is a marathon, not a sprint, and though the goal line is out of sight, I know it is there and I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

For a bit of good news (because I am learning to live for the moment and look for all the best parts of each moment...and I am supposed to be learning to smile and celebrate those moments)...I have lost 12 lbs since starting at the gym (on Jan 9th, I think.) I am officially one notch tighter in my belt (sometimes 2 notches, depending on what pants I have on.) I dug out the old gym shorts that I had in the bag to give to Goodwill because they didn't fit anymore, but I hadn't gotten around to taking them yet. They fit now and might even be too big come spring time when it would be warm enough to wear them. I made a 92 (A) on my first A&P2 test (that I really didn't feel prepared for.) And I am walking my very first OFFICIAL 5K on Saturday (in about 41 hours from right now!) I am nervous, but my only goal is to finish before they open the roads back up! 

I know that I am not alone in my feelings. I know that there are others out there who struggle with these same thoughts, some probably much worse. This is not meant to look like I am feeling sorry for myself, But, it is meant to put it all out there: the good, the bad, and the ugly. If I can help just one person through this journey of mine, it will be a success. I would love to touch hundreds, Hell, even thousands, but for now it's one step at time, one moment at a time, one person at a time.

#bebrave #bebadass #nevergiveup #nevergivein #tomorrowisanewday #liveandlovethenow #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining #icandothis #iwilldothis

Withdrawal and a wake up call

I've always known that withdrawal was not a fun experience. I've heard all the stories about withdrawal from illegal drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol, and even caffeine. I have never had to deal with drug withdrawal (since I have never participated in that activity,) never had to deal with alcohol or even caffeine withdrawal. But after doing some research over the weekend, I have come to realize that I am currently experiencing the effects of withdrawal.

I have been suffering from migraines since I was 18. I have been on so many medications, both abortive and preventative over the years. They all have side effects that are undesirable. The trade off is worth it though if they actually work. The abortive medicine I take makes me so sleepy, but it's worth it because it gets rid of the headache. The preventatives are a different story. They make me sleepy, slow my digestion, increase weight gain, and make me feel groggy. All the while, they really don't do anything to prevent the migraines. So, I spoke with my doctor about 6 weeks ago, and he said to start tapering down the dosage. Because it is a antidepressant (amitriptyline), it is not advisable to stop cold turkey. It has been a long process and one that has made me nervous. Some people have really severe withdrawal symptoms, but I never had many problems with the taper. However, the complete lack of the medication has been a different story and one that I didn't realize was happening until a week later.

Last week was my first full week on no medication. I was concerned initially because it also helps with the insomnia that I have had for years. But, I never had any problems with falling asleep. However, my mood sucked last week. I had no motivation, no energy, no drive. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I only went to gym the two days I was scheduled with Celeste because I waited too late to cancel. In my heart, I felt guilty for the way I was feeling, but I just couldn't shake it. I worried that the severe depression, that I have also dealt with since I was 18, was coming back. I fought with all my being to make it to work every day. I missed school on Tuesday night because of a really bad headache that started on Monday and never really went away. I felt as if all the joy had been sucked out of my life and I was sad and alone. It was a horrible feeling, especially since the week before had been so good! 

I just couldn't shake it off. I forced myself to go to the park on Saturday and walk 3 miles, even though it was freezing and I really didn't want to go. I spent most of my time in conversation with God. People probably thought I was crazy, as I was literally talking out loud. I needed to vent...I needed to get those emotions out. I don't do well AT ALL with expressing my emotions. I keep them to myself and rarely approach someone else to talk about them. Normally the only way to get me to talk with someone is if that person picks up on the change and asks me about it. I tend to become extremely quiet in times like these, even more so than normal. I know that this is not the best coping strategy, but it is what I do. I think a part of me does it to protect myself from totally losing it and breaking down to someone else. I don't like to feel vulnerable...it's something that I am working on.

After my walk, I began to feel a bit better. Saturday night I began researching how long it took for the medication to clear my system and I found varying results. But, I came across a site that listed possible withdrawal symptoms from amitriptyline and wouldn't you know, I had so many of them! It was like a light bulb went on and I realized what was going on. Most are due to the low amounts of neurotransmitters in the brain that the body has to pick up the slack again. It takes some time, but it will kick back in shortly. It was a bit of a relief to find that I wasn't really going crazy, I was just in withdrawal!

Sunday I found myself in a better mood, even though it was the beginning of a very busy week ahead. The series at church has been a life changing one and it has been what I needed to hear every week. It hasn't really been what I wanted to hear, but something I definitely needed to hear! Here are the pictures of my notes from the past 4 weeks...a little insight into 12Stone Church and how my mind works while I am there.

 Week 1: Resiliency--Stand up, Stand firm, Stand back up

 Week 2: Re-enlist--Rededicate to it tomorrow and every day after

 Week 3: Self Restraint--Walk with, Walk away, Walk in

Week 4: Happiness and Instant Gratification--"It's" Never Enough

Every week I think *this* week is the best one and the one most meant for me. And every week, I say that and every week, it is just what I need to hear. Through this journey, I have had to accept some very hard truths about myself: 

I give up too easily, I keep my emotions shut in, I want what others have without all the work, I let myself be swayed by society, I can't forgive myself, I am afraid to love others, I am selfish, I am incredibly smart but I don't use it like I should, I like to be right, I don't like to let others get close, I need to be right, I am a hypocrite, I absolutely hate to lose, I am a pessimist but I just call myself a realist, I don't believe in myself, I hate being wrong, I am terrified of the future. I have lost my hope and sometimes my faith.

My list could go on, but those are the big ones. I put this out there because I KNOW that there are others that feel this way too. I know that everyone goes through these feelings and I know that maybe by putting it all out there, I can help. Maybe it'll even help me. If you asked me these things, face to face, I'd never be able to be so open and honest, but through this screen and these written words, it is easier to put it out there. This self evaluation has been my wake up call. I pray daily that I can move past the truths and create new truths about myself, but for now, this is it...maybe by recognizing them, I am one step closer to putting it all behind me.

#bebrave #bebadass #nevergiveup #neverquit #teamendured #operationcarynssmiles #sometimestearsaregood #stillhaveahardtimeacceptingthat