Friday I went to the gym early to workout because I had laser iridotomy scheduled at 10:00am for my right eye. Basically they used a laser to cut a hole in the iris (colored part) of my eye in order to treat the narrow angles that I have. This was to prevent a pressure spike in the future that would be considered glaucoma. Despite my nerves, the procedure went well, even though it had crazy side effects to my eyeball!
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| My eyes right after my procedure. My pupil stayed this small until the next morning! |
They told me that everything would be back to normal by the evening and I shouldn't have any pain. They were wrong! By the time I got to work, I was in a lot of pain. All I could think about was all the things that I needed to get done that night for school. I had nothing to use for the pain, other than the steroid drops that they had prescribed. I couldn't get my mind off all the bad things that could go wrong...my mind immediately jumped to the worst case scenario. I found myself standing on a "ledge," ready to jump at any moment. I sent a text to Celeste, hoping she wouldn't be too busy, in full on freak out mode. Luckily, she replied quickly and told me one of things she tells me everyday: BREATHE. I forget to breathe all the time...I hold my breath while working out all the time. I don't do it consciously, but I often have to be reminded to just breathe. I am truly blessed to have friends who can talk me off the ledge...I seem to find myself there often.
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| First time trying tuna and salmon sashimi...I am now hooked! |
The pain did eventually get better and I had a great weekend. I tried sashimi for the first time and hung out with friends on Saturday. I walked 5 miles each day at the park over the weekend as well. Monday started the same as it normally does: get everything ready for work and head to the gym for cardio before my workout session. As I was walking on the treadmill, I heard those words that I knew where coming soon: "So, are you ready to start running?" Yes, running is a goal of mine. Do I push myself that hard on my own? No. More so out of fear than anything else. That is why I see a trainer! However, there are days that I dread that push, even though I need it. If Celeste didn't push me, it isn't likely that I would push myself, so I am thankful for that.
So, I told her maybe and she said to start running short times on the treadmill. I had a little over two minutes left, so I told her that I was almost done and she told me, "Great, then you can run all the way to the finish line!" REALLY?! She was very excited...me, not so much...but I did it anyway. I was glad that I did...when it was over. Again, I am thankful for the push, but I don't always like it in the moment. Then it was time to workout! Mondays are always a harder workout because of the group that I am with. They are some badass ladies!
About 20 minutes into the session, my right eye went completely blurry. It was like someone had dripped milk in my eye. Everything was cloudy and faded, lights had halos around them, and I couldn't tell who was who from across the room. I wasn't concerned at first, but when it continued and I had to keep blinking and winking to try to make it better, I found myself back on that ledge. I had to distract myself. I didn't want to stop working out to call he doctor because I was afraid of what they were going to say. I thought if I just ignored it long enough, it would go away. But, that wasn't the case. I spent the rest of the day being shuffled to different doctors, emergency cell phone calls, missing work, and trying not leap from the ledge I found myself at once again. Turns out it was a combination of things that caused the problem: dilation of blood vessels due to exercise, increased inflammation, steroid drops not being strong enough, and a reaction to steroid drops causing extreme dry eyes and build up on the cornea, They gave me samples of some drops that my insurance wouldn't cover and sent me home. Two days later, I feel like it is back to normal...we shall see how it holds up at the gym today!
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| My terminator sunglasses because my eye was so light sensitive. This was me in the parking lot as I headed to the see the 2nd and 3rd doctors of the day...I was barely holding it together in this picture. |
I also decided to add a few short term goals to my list on my bathroom mirror. I need to have something to work for and I need to have that daily reminder of what I am doing all this for. It also helps me to see how far I have come, since I don't see it when I look in the mirror. Maybe it is because I see myself everyday, maybe it is because I still tend to stay pretty down on myself. So my goal list is a nice reminder of what has already been done and what is still to come.
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| I am down another notch in my belt and VERY close (with a pound) of goal #2. |
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| New picture of me from the weekend. |
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| Lost my glasses and had to bust out an old pair to go to the park! |
This week I have learned that I often find myself at that ledge, tempting myself to jump or turn away. Some days I think it would just be easier to jump. It's a fight not to give up and run away. It's what I have done my whole life. But that is why I must fight. I must fight the urge to jump and reach out to friends who have the amazing ability to talk me down and not put up with my bullshit. If I want to have a different life, I must do the hard things to get a different outcome. As hard as fighting is and will continue to be, I try to remember that it will be worth it in the end. So when you find yourself on the ledge, as we all do from time to time (some of us more than others,) reach out, take the hand of someone you trust, share even though it hurts, and fight like hell to get away from the edge. It won't be easy, it will be hard...but it will be worth it.
#BeBraveBeBadass #nevergiveup #nevergivein #teamendured #womanonaledge #dohardthings #fightlikeagirl
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