Anyone who has read my recent posts knows that I have always wanted to run a 5K race. Being overweight and out of shape, I knew that wasn't going to be a short term goal. But, I knew that I was physically capable of walking one, so I signed up. My plan all along was to do this one by myself. No need to invite friends to join me because I was only walking and didn't want to waste their time or my opportunities to share other things with friends. I signed up by myself and didn't tell anyone until after I had already done it. I only mentioned it in a previous blog post and didn't think much about it. As the the day before the race approached, it got out that I was doing it alone. Part of me was bummed, but at the same time, walking a 5K is not a huge deal! One of my new friends from the gym, Gloria, quickly volunteered to come with me and cheer me on. That made me smile and I figured it would be nice not to have to drive down there alone. I went to school Thursday night, like always, only to get a message from Celeste (my trainer) that she had signed up and her and Gloria were going to do it with me. Instantly, I was embarrassed. It wasn't what I had planned and I have a hard time with people making a big deal out of something that I do. I tried to talk her out of it and was reminded to be thankful instead. I came to terms with idea and figured it might actually be fun.
The morning (5:30 am) came very early on Saturday and I had only had about 4 hours of sleep. I have battled insomnia for most of my adult life and it struck with a vengeance that night. I know that I would be so grumpy with the lack of sleep and the fact that I am not a morning person and I was going to have to interact with people! I was also still suffering with all that comes from withdrawal from amitriptyline (see previous posts.) But, I needed to be positive and focus on the moments.
I have a really hard time focusing on the moments, soaking them all in: someone's smile, their eyes, the way the sun is shining and the birds are singing, how someone scrunches up their nose when they are cold, or how their eyes sparkle when they laugh. It is something that I am really work hard on. In order to do that, I have found that I have to look people directly in the eye, especially when I talk to them. Eye contact is so hard for me to do! I don't know why, but it is. I find myself often looking at their mouth, instead of their eyes, so I am making a conscious effort to change it.
Back to the race...it was so cold!! It got so cold that I started to just go numb. I had on two pairs of pants, two shirts, two gloves, and ear warmers. I had to go to the bathroom and had a time peeling all those layers off! When I went to meet up with Celeste and Gloria, I noticed someone standing near them with a Podium hoodie on. I thought to myself, "Hey, Angela has that shirt..." and then I realized who it was. I was shocked. Her and Nathan had planned to join my 5K from the moment I first posted about it. Celeste had always assumed that I knew. So, in a matter of two days, I went from doing it alone to being cheered on by 4 of my dear friends. They chose to freeze, and walk, just for me. It took all I had not to cry in the moment.
The race was without any mishaps and as we neared the end, Celeste and Angela started to push me to do more. I haven't run in years and, after two knee surgeries and being overweight, I knew it was going to hurt to try. But Angela told me that I need to finish with just enough left to get back to the car which wasn't that far way. So, we ran the last tiny bit. My knee felt fine, but I thought my lungs were going to explode. For a moment, I was really glad that I was running with my inhaler in my pocket! I finished the race in 00:54:15 and amazingly, I didn't finish last!
I was happy that I didn't have to this race alone, even though it wasn't a big deal. I was glad that my friends cared enough to share this with me. I was thrilled to have people their to encourage me, laugh with me, make me smile, and give me hugs (even though I am not a hugger.) It was a day that I will not ever forget and I am already looking forward to the next one.
That led to the next thought that I needed to update some short term goals. I keep things like that posted on my bathroom mirror so I will see it several times a day, especially first thing in the morning. I need that reminder daily so I don't give up. I have a bad habit of giving up and giving in too easily, especially if I think that I will fail at it. I would rather quit on my own terms than be a failure at something. It is yet another thing that I am working on! So, I hung my new goals up and marked off the ones that I had completed. I also hung up my race number as a reminder that I can do the things that I once thought impossible.
I had all my notes from the latest series at church hanging as well, but took them down because I couldn't see myself in the mirror! It is a nice reminder every morning and night about what I am fighting so hard for and why.
Through this journey, I have had to do hard things. Physically hard things. Every day at the gym is a struggle not to give up and tell Celeste that I just can't do this. I am sure that I have enough people in my life that care about me that there would be Hell to pay if I chose that and some days that fear is motivation enough. But harder than the physical battle is the emotional one. I am not one to open up about my emotions. I keep things hidden from most people. I have buried and pushed down so many things in an effort to forget they ever happened. I have built walls to keep people out. I resist hugs because I am afraid of crying. I am afraid of crying because I worry about not being able to stop. I am afraid of falling back into the horrible choices of my past. I don't want to be in that place again. I don't want to be that person again. Some days are really good and some days are really bad. I long for days with an even keel. I know that this is a long journey that won't happen overnight, but that doesn't mean that I wish that it would.
I am thankful for this struggle though. I have met some incredible people along the way. I have an amazing group of new and old friends who are helping through some of the toughest battles of my life so far. I cried at the gym today. I gave back a hug a the gym today (big deal for me.) I cracked a smile at the gym today. I laughed at the gym today. And I cried some more at the gym today. I am forever thankful for the support and the push from my friends. I will get through this. I will find the courage to let go of things that are holding me back. I'm not ready yet, but I will get there.
And I'll leave you with this...my best friend's son, Lucas, is 3 years old and apparently loves to eavesdrop of my phone conversations. I had told a story earlier in the day about Celeste getting on to me about not saying thank you to a compliment and for not celebrating my weight loss and fitness improvement. He started asking me, as soon as I got off the phone, "Why Ms. Celeste upset at you?" I had no idea what he was talking about...he doesn't even know her! He asked me all day long and it made me laugh so much that I finally had to record it. I hope it makes you smile! (Hope it works now!)
#bebrave #bebadass #neverquit #nevergiveup #nevergivein #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining #giveahugtosomeonetoday #eveniftheydonthugback #theyreallydolikethem
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