What did I do to deserve this?

We all have those questions anytime something negative happens in our lives: Why me? Why do bad things happens to good people? Will things ever get better? When will my bad luck run out? What did I do to deserve this? In the grand scheme of things, it seems normal to have this reaction. We don't like for bad things to happen, especially to us, but that is life and bad things do happen.

But some of us, myself included, ask this question anytime something good happens: What did I do to deserve THIS? I don't know why I do it, I think I always have, or at least for all of my adult life. I don't feel worthy of blessings, no matter how small. I know that they are gifts from God through people in my life, but I know that I don't deserve them. I find myself asking this about people as well. Why do they like me? Why do they want to be around me? Why do they believe in me? Why do the cheer me on? Why to they encourage me? Why do they want to see me smile? I don't deserve that.

It is something that has become a HUGE, uncontrollable battle for me right now. Part of me knows I shouldn't feel this way, but some other part of me, that seems to take over the control, tells me that I don't deserve good things or good people in my life. I have so many people in my corner, cheering me on, believing in me in ways that I can't even fathom.

I have my family, Mom, Dad, Kylie (sister), Jason (brother), April (brother's girlfriend), who believe in me in all I do. They aren't ever surprised when I get a good grade or achieve something that I thought was impossible.

I have Angela, who believed in me LONG before I even thought about believing in myself. She cheers me on through Facebook and thinks I have big things in store for my future. She evens thinks that I'll do a triathlon one day!

I have Nathan, who thinks I will actually RUN a 5K and do a triathlon in my future.

I have my best friend, Karen, who is excited for me and who tells me we can't be the chunky old people on our electric scooters, watching our kids and grand kids play together because we are too overweight and out of shape to play with them. She believes that I will be an amazing mother one day and she already loves me for who I am.

I have Celeste, who is my trainer and my friend, who is beyond amazing, who gets in my face and tells me I need to smile, tells me I need to celebrate, that says I am going to do big things. She believes that I will hit all the goals I want for my life. She seems to know what to say and when to say it. She makes me want to go to the gym every day (which is a miracle in itself!) She doesn't put up with my BS and tells me that things are going to change, starting today. She reminds me every day that tomorrow is a new day, and that is something I need to be reminded of several times daily. She also thinks that I'm going to learn to play tennis...I'm not so sure I believe that!

She put me in contact with Christina, who I spoke with for the first time yesterday, who I can already tell will be a huge blessing to me. Between the two of them, they think they can crack these walls I have built for so long...they don't know that they have a long, hard road ahead of them! I want to break them down, but I am scared to death.

I have so many others out there that I know are praying for me every day. And, every day, the question remains: What did I do to deserve this, to deserve them? My life has not always been easy, but it hasn't been as hard as some. I have made more than my share of poor choices, I have a past that I can't forgive myself for. There are things about me that only a few people know...there are things about me that no one knows. I can't forgive myself for my mistakes, but I know I need to and I am working on it. I know that I need to talk about these things to an actual person, face to face, instead of just taking the easy way out and writing them down. I know that I need to cry and deal with the pain of past mistakes. I know that I will probably feel better if I fall apart, but I am afraid that I won't be able to put myself back together. These are not new problems, but they are hard to get over. I have thought many times in the past that I have let them go, only to have them come back up later down the line. It is a marathon, not a sprint, and though the goal line is out of sight, I know it is there and I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

For a bit of good news (because I am learning to live for the moment and look for all the best parts of each moment...and I am supposed to be learning to smile and celebrate those moments)...I have lost 12 lbs since starting at the gym (on Jan 9th, I think.) I am officially one notch tighter in my belt (sometimes 2 notches, depending on what pants I have on.) I dug out the old gym shorts that I had in the bag to give to Goodwill because they didn't fit anymore, but I hadn't gotten around to taking them yet. They fit now and might even be too big come spring time when it would be warm enough to wear them. I made a 92 (A) on my first A&P2 test (that I really didn't feel prepared for.) And I am walking my very first OFFICIAL 5K on Saturday (in about 41 hours from right now!) I am nervous, but my only goal is to finish before they open the roads back up! 

I know that I am not alone in my feelings. I know that there are others out there who struggle with these same thoughts, some probably much worse. This is not meant to look like I am feeling sorry for myself, But, it is meant to put it all out there: the good, the bad, and the ugly. If I can help just one person through this journey of mine, it will be a success. I would love to touch hundreds, Hell, even thousands, but for now it's one step at time, one moment at a time, one person at a time.

#bebrave #bebadass #nevergiveup #nevergivein #tomorrowisanewday #liveandlovethenow #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining #icandothis #iwilldothis