Secrets and lies will kill even the strongest of people

Every week lately I think that I have gone through my toughest week, emotionally and physically. Through this whole journey of weight loss and fitness, I always thought that the physical battles would prove to be the hardest. I'm overweight and out of shape. I haven't exercised regularly since college (the first time around.) I was an athlete in high school and college, but that has dwindled over the years. I really never considered that there would be an emotional component to any of this. Man, was I wrong!

Before starting this blog, I was a fairly private person. I would post to Facebook, but more so just to vent or whine. I rarely talked about my feelings online. I never talked about them to a person. I hated to cry, to feel vulnerable. When Angela asked me to start a blog to keep up with my journey, it started out very superficial: what I ate, what I did for workouts, weight losses, etc. There was very little, if any, emotional connection to any of them. After the holidays when I decided that things finally had to change or I was going to die after living an unfulfilled life, I knew in my heart that there were a lot of underlying issues that I was going to have to deal with.

After my car accident last April, my emotions were out of control. My life was out of control. Having a brain injury changes things. I no longer felt like myself. I couldn't see from blurred vision. I had horrible anxiety whenever I left the house, especially in a car. I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes, the bits of the accident I could remember would send me straight into a panic attack. My memory was shot...and for someone who remembers things very easily and who has never struggled with being smart enough to do something, it was debilitating to my self esteem to not even be able to read a book or remember details from a show. It killed me to fail the ImPACT test week after week at the doctor's office.

My mom was my rock in those times. She took care of me for 4 months, shuffling me around to a million doctor's appointments. My sister would sit in bed with me and play cards because I couldn't do anything else. When I could actually watch tv again, she would lay in bed with me until I fell asleep, because I couldn't fall asleep if left alone in my room, and then she would leave me for the night. I couldn't have gotten through those times without them. My accident changed me. It changed my outlook on life and I realized how it could all be gone in an instant. It was the first time in forever that I started to see that there were so many things that I needed to change about my life.

Even in all my pain and fear, my sister was taking selfies with me and trying to make me smile.
I was not all there in this picture!

When I started this journey in January 2015, I had no idea where it would lead, and I never thought it would be such an emotional one for me. We all have secrets and lies in our past. Some of us push them away and forget them. Some of dwell on them for years. Some of us push them to deep, dark places, but never are able to forget them and they affect our entire life for years to come. Some of us turn to drugs, alcohol, abuse, suicide, and risk taking to deal with the emotional pain and burdens of our past mistakes. But in my newest leg of this journey, that has only been a little over a month, I am learning that there are positive ways to deal with the problems.

I can learn from them. I can admit them to safe people, who won't judge me and will keep my privacy if I want. I can cry about them. I can accept a hug from someone, I could give a hug to someone (still working on those!) My past may influence who I am today, but it doesn't have to control me and who I want to be. I don't have to be perfect. I can accept amazing people in my life because God put them there for a reason. It's okay for good things to happen to me. I can love myself and I can love others. I am hot mess, but I have people in my life who will love me and my mess.

I don't have it all together. All those things are the things that I know I need to do, but it is a work in progress that will take a long time. I wish it was overnight fix, but for now, I am learning to enjoy the journey, to soak up every moment that I can. I am meeting some awesome people along the way. I am slowly making friends and I am laughing with them. I crave going to the gym because even when I am in a bad mood (which is most mornings) I leave there with a smile. I enjoy the push, most days, from Celeste and others, even when I don't think I can do it, or even more so, when I don't want to do it! I have lost 15 lbs in about 5 weeks and I have long way to go, but it's a start.

So, when you feel like you are alone, like I feel most of the time, realize that you are not. Like Celeste tells me almost daily, "You don't have the monopoly on guilt or mistakes or poor choices. We've all been there." Sadly, I need to hear this almost daily! I guess one of the more surprising parts of this journey is that it's not just a physical one, but a mental, emotional, and spiritual one all wrapped up together. I can't change one thing without changing the others. I am working on forgiving others, forgiving myself, letting it go, and moving on. I am trying to remember that I am exactly where God wants me to be right now. It's not easy, but nothing ever worth it is. One day I hope to look back at these times and these entries and realize how far I have come and I hope to have helped others come a long way too. For now, it is one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at time, one foot in front of the other. That is all I know to do right now.

#BeBraveBeBadass #nevergiveup #nevergoingback #justkeepswimming #forgivenessishard #babysteps #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining