School, the holidays, and a lack of weight loss

Again, it has been a little while since my last post. I seem to be so busy lately with work, school, and minimal social activities, that it always seems like something has to give. Sadly, whenever I get like this, the first thing that gives is nutrition and exercise.

Now, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. But, when I am stressed, the last thing I want to do is exercise. I normally want to squeeze in as much sleep as I can. Anyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE to sleep! To think about sacrificing that sleep to exercise (which I do not really enjoy) is like torture, especially when my stress level is already high.

Most of you keep up with me in some fashion through Facebook and I often use that as a way to vent short little snippets of my life. Thankfully school is over for this semester and I rocked out a 4.0 which I am very excited about. Coming off my car accident and a bad concussion, I was worried that I had made the wrong decision to go back to school so soon after my accident. I was concerned that my brain and my memory were not where they needed to be to handle all of the things that I would need to remember. My doctor had ordered cognitive rehab months ago, but their waiting list is so long that I never got in. So, I was very concerned. I was also worried about what the added stress would do to the other deficits I had overcome, like falling asleep, dizziness, and blurry vision, as well as my headaches. Things turned out not to be quite so bad. My headaches would get worse before a test or when I had been studying a lot. I had to learn to give myself breaks to do nothing with school. In the end, my hard work paid off and I got all A's...a 4.0 for the first time ever in my LONG college career (more so due to laziness than anything else.)

With all the added stress, I started finding that I had less and less time to cook. I started eating out or eating things that were convenient. I didn't want to spend my weekends cooking for the week. I also got put on a tricyclic antidepressant for my headaches and depression (see my last blog post for that info.) This medicine has many side effects that have been difficult to overcome. It makes me very sleepy. I take it at bedtime and it helps with sleep, but most days I wake up still groggy and sleepy from it. It also slows down your intestinal tract which leads to being "backed up" most of the time. You'd be amazed at how much weight gain that can cause. I now take Miralax every day and that has helped some, but it is still an issue (probably TMI for many folks, but I'm just being honest here!) It states that it can cause weight gain and I don't know if it's from the previous reason or the fact that I feel like I want to eat junk all the time...it's like non-stop PMS. I try not to keep it in my house, but I find it at work or break down buy something.

My willpower is not the strongest, which is probably why I am dealing with weight issues. I still hate water and I would still rather go thirsty than to drink pure water. I hate it. Every day I see that darn jug of water in my fridge and I loathe the thought of actually drinking it. I am going to try getting a smaller container and just drink more of them, like maybe 4 servings of 24 ounces, or something to that effect, I know all the things that I need to do, but making myself do them is another story!

The holidays have definitely made things worse as well. Being a teacher, there is an endless supply of junk being brought in by parents. They mean well, but for people like me, it is hard not to graze when it is sitting there calling out my name. Add to that, the totally unhealthy meals at Thanksgiving and endless leftovers and it's a recipe for disaster. I also go out to eat a lot more when my parents are in town, which is no excuse because I should try to order something better off the menu as well as eat less of it at one sitting.

I have no real, legitimate excuse for the backpedaling I have done. It is what it is and I have to accept it and do my best to move on. I will definitely be doing another Advocare 24 day challenge after the first of the year to get my self back on track. For now, stopping the medicine that I take is not an option, as it is working great for my depression and pretty good for my headaches. So, I will have to find new ways to deal with it. I am considering a gym membership, but I want to wait until I know that I will use it before I jump into that. I am also probably going to sign up for some one-on-one personal trainer sessions at a small gym near my house. I think that will help jump start all of this again in the new year. I am not one for New Year's resolutions because most people, including me, never keep them (I quit smoking on January 2, 2012 for that very reason.) So, I am trying to get a plan together and need to start making some little steps in that direction, like walking before work and not staying up so late.

For now, I have to accept that when I weighed this morning I am back up to 249.6 lbs. I have to accept it and move on...dwelling on my mistakes is not going to help me. I need to figure out how to make it work, with school, and get back to it. For now, I have my Road ID that reminds me to NEVER QUIT, BE BRAVE, and BE BADASS...that's all I can do right now.

The hardest post I've ever had to write...

I sit here tonight, at someone else's house, with their children sleeping upstairs, and I should be working on homework or studying, but I felt compelled to sit down and do what I have been putting off for nearly 6 weeks. I feel lost and frustrated and angry at myself, but at the same time, I know that I can do better. The last six weeks have been a huge battle for me: physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially. So, in an effort to help myself, and maybe someone else one day, here I sit, laptop in hand, ready to put some feelings to paper.

I last posted about vacation over Labor Day and how great things were. Before that, I was up early every morning to do some sort of workout, my favorite being swimming. After swimming for weeks, I started having pain in my left shoulder. First it was only when I swam and after a while, it was all the time. I couldn't reach for anything over my head and sleep became a thing of the past because the pain was so bad at the end of the day. I mentioned this to my orthopedic surgeon (who is also my concussion specialist) at a follow up visit and he told me it sounded like I tore my rotator cuff and no more swimming. I was devastated. I loved swimming. I was going faster and further every time I went to the pool. He told me that these things happen and I could use a kick board, but nothing until he had the results from an MRI.

I scheduled the MRI and follow up for the week after I came back from vacation. At my follow up, he told me that I have a small tear, bone spurs, and severe tendonosis. He said it wasn't surgical at this time and he wanted to try a steroid injection and physical therapy. I still need to be careful with activities over my head and still no freestyle swimming. This devastated me. I was happy that I didn't need surgery, but I felt like I couldn't catch a break. I felt like physically it was just one thing after the other since crushing my hand in October 2013. Every time something would start to get better, something else would happen. It was really starting to crush my spirit.

This last bad news started a spiral effect with my entire life. School was starting to get intense. Work was work. My brain was getting better, but still not back to normal. My hand was still having problems and I had just had hand surgery #2 in 5 months. My weight continued to come off slowly, but more so because I just wasn't eating. Anytime I sat down to eat, it made me sick. The thought of food nauseated me for several weeks. And then I hit the 20 lbs lost mark and I thought that was the end of the spiral. I was so excited...down 20 lbs in 8 weeks. I had done better than I thought. And looking back, I thought that milestone would get me back on track, but it didn't. The depression that had been slowly creeping in had started to take over my life.

I have battled with depression for most of my adult life. It hit me hard in my college years (the first time around 1997-1999) and it would fade and return over the next 15 years. I have used counseling, medication, journaling, and self medicating over those years. I have made good choices and not so good ones over that time as well. Normally I can tell when I start down that tunnel again and I can get ahead of it. I can surround myself with people and pull myself out without a whole lot of effort. But, this time was different. I never saw it coming. And I put on a pretty good show for everyone, so no one else saw it coming either. It wasn't that I didn't have anyone to talk to, because I have parents and friends who know my history and I don't feel embarrassed to go to them. But, I really didn't see there was a problem. The things that I did notice I attributed to the stress of being back in school: not sleeping, headaches, not eating, eating too much, eating junk, tired all the time, grumpy, easily frustrated.

Finally, I got a text one day that basically said, are you okay, I'm worried about you. I lost it. No, I wasn't okay and you should be worried about me. I'm down this tunnel and I don't know how I got here and I don't know how to get out. I was miserable. The increase in migraines alone was enough to do me in. I broke down. I cried. I yelled. I got angry. I got sad. I threw things (don't worry Mom, I didn't break anything.) I prayed. And then I cried some more. And then I prayed some more.

That was two weeks ago. I have avoided writing this for two weeks. Two weeks ago, I hit my bottom...thank God it's not the bottom that I have hit in years past! For the first week, I was still stumbling around, trying to figure out what to do next, where to start to pull me out of this hole. I knew I had many things that I needed to do, so I made a list.

1. Start cooking again

2. Stop eating crap

3. Start exercising again

4. Keep busting my tail in school (amazingly this was the one area that I didn't let fall apart!)

5. Pray every day, at least once

6. Drink more water

7. Make church, work, and school my priorities

8. Reach out to my doctor about the depression, headaches, and insomnia

9. Write a blog about all of this crap

10. Never quit...don't give up...take baby steps if I have to, just don't quit

It took me a week to make this list. Last weekend was the first weekend that I had cooked in nearly a month. I'm lucky that in all of this, I only gained 3 pounds. It really could have been much worse. I saw my concussion specialist again last Friday. I told him about the daily headaches, the lack of sleep, the depression, and the struggles with having to study so much to retain information. He said it could still be my brain trying to recover from the concussion. 

I was diagnosed with post concussion syndrome a month after my accident because my concussion and it's symptoms were not improving. I saw several specialist to help with all the different symptoms and everything was getting better until I started back to school. The added stress of school has turned my world upside down, but I promised myself that no matter how hard it got, I wouldn't quit. I had done that too many times in the past. I wasn't going to do it again. I felt that I was smart enough and determined enough that I could do this, even if I had a slight deficit in my brain. 

My doctor agreed that it could be my brain, the lingering concussion symptoms, or stress, but he wanted to try a new medication. It was something we had discussed the last visit, but I opted to wait, since I had just recently gotten myself off of all meds, except for allergies and the occasional asthma attack. But when he mentioned it again, I knew I needed to try. He prescribed Elavil (amitriptyline) and it was an old depression medication, actually a tricyclic antidepressant. It is used for headache and migraine prevention, insomnia, and can also treat depression. It sounded like it was exactly what I needed, so I agreed to try it for a month. So far it has been a week and I think it's still too soon to tell, but I am hopeful. 

This weekend I will cook again for the week and I will be adding back in my gallon of water a day goal. I hate water, so this has always been a hard thing for me, but I know that I can do it. I will also be adding back in walking 3 days a week and starting some other workouts that I have at home. I may even try to hit the pool and try out the kick board that I bought 6 weeks ago! I am still struggling with my latest hand surgery and the pain from that. And through all of this, I was rear ended and will be dropping my car off for repairs on Monday. Last Sunday (October 19th) marked a year that had passed since I crushed my hand when the hood of my car fell and latched shut. I have said that day started the worst year of my life as far as my physical health goes. It seemed like my luck went out the window the day that happened.

But, I received a tremendous and amazing blessing on that day this year. I was brought to tears by the generosity of a friend that I have not seen in over 15 years. Someone who did not know all the details of what I was going through, but reached out anyway. And blessed me in a way that I can never repay and that I will always be thankful for. It gave a new meaning to the date October 19th. It is no longer a date that I remember for the worst in my life, but for the day that I received the greatest blessing from God through a friend. I feel like it was God's way of showing me that I am not alone and that He loves me. And even thought I have gone through a year from Hell, I know that things are turning around, starting from the same date that they fell apart. 

I know that this blog entry is long on words, short on pictures, and totally all over the place, but I needed to get it out and on paper before I chickened out and found something else to do. I thank you for reading if you made it this far and I ask for prayers of strength to not quit and never give up. And I hope that if anyone else out there is battling through depression, know this: you are not alone, you are never alone, you are not the only one, this is hard, but it will get better, ask for help, it is out there, and know that I am praying for you. Depression is very real...sometimes too real for some of us...but it won't last forever.

#bebrave #bebadass #nevergiveup

It's been a crazy few weeks!

When I posted last, I was just getting up for school to start back for myself and I was nearing the end of my Advocare 24 Day Challenge. I knew things were about to get hectic, I just underestimated how much so!

So, it's time for some updates. Here is my Facebook status regarding my loss during the challenge:

I was pleasantly surprised at how far I had come, especially since I didn't think it would be that good. My clothes were fitting better and I was even wearing shorts that I had not worn in years.

As many of you know, I was in a bad car accident in April and I broke my wrist, hurt my shoulder, and had a concussion. In this last few weeks, I've had some ups and downs in all of that. First, my concussion has improved greatly. I graduated from vestibular rehab and the corresponding neurologist. No more dizzy doctors for me!

Second, I tested in the "normal" range, for the first time, on the ImPACT test which helps to measure deficits in memory and reaction time from brain injuries. I originally scored below the 1% level about a week after the accident. To finally be in a range with everyone else seemed like a miracle...and it only took five months! Everyday I see improvements in my memory and attention span, so that is an added bonus.

Some negatives have some in this time as well. I've been diagnosed with moderate arthritis in my right knee and bursitis in both knees. I went to therapy for the bursitis and it seems to have gotten much better. I received a Gel-One injection yesterday for the arthritis and it should help to add cushion to the joint, so we shall see. It'll take about a month to notice results.

I also found out that I would have to have another hand/wrist surgery for de Quervain's tendonitis and he would have to reconstruct the area to keep the tendons from popping over the bone as they moved. That was last Thursday. Surgery went well and I'm in a half cast for 12 days and then a hard cast for two weeks. Hopefully this will be the last hand surgery for a while! 

I also found out that I may have a torn rotator cuff, from the accident, that's been aggravated by my increase in swimming. I'm scheduled to have an MRI tomorrow and I'll get the results on Friday. I'm praying that it is not surgical because I've been told that shoulder surgery is no joke and a long recovery!

In this time, I also went on vacation to my parent's house in NC and even got to make a trip to the beach. It was a much needed time of relaxation and family time. I didn't eat the best while I was gone, but only gained about a half pound when I came back. I've already started losing again since being back and getting back to eating right.

I think that might be everything for now. I'm sitting in the waiting room for my MRI now...and it's freezing! I'll add pictures to this post later today, as it's really weird to do in my phone! Thank you for your support and encouragement through this journey!

Cooking for a week (and last weeks update...OOPS!)

It's been a bit since I have posted on here. To be honest, I forgot to do it last week. I posted this status on Facebook last Monday (my weigh in day):

I went from 246.3 lbs to 245.7 lbs. I was bummed. I had hoped for 2 pounds per week to come off. My friends were all very supportive and I understand that it is progress and it will take time. I also understand that it is just a number on a scale and the fact that I feel better should trump everything else.

But, to me, it is not just a number on a scale. If I was down to a "normal" weight, it wouldn't bother me so much. Even if I am building up some muscle (which I am not convinced of,) I am still SIGNIFICANTLY overweight. I have plenty of weight to lose and it just decides to hang on!

I have failed so many times that, for a moment, I began to think that I couldn't do this. I couldn't keep getting up at 5:45am to work out before work (I know this isn't early to most, but I work 10am-6:30pm, with nearly an hour commute, so this is early for me!) I couldn't keep eating the right things and avoiding the things that I know are not good for me. All I wanted to do was quit and chow down on some pizza and chocolate! But, I didn't. I vowed to keep going, even when things didn't go the way that I had hoped. Maybe I just needed to work harder. Maybe my body is just not wanting to let anything go. Maybe it just needed some more time.

So, I went about my week and I did everything that I was supposed to, except swim on Tuesday because the pool was closed. :-(

I had a hectic week at work with the first full week of school and the first week that I closed the school three nights. It made for some long days, but I still felt good. 

This weekend I had the sons of my two best friends, Karen and Hadassah, at my house to hang out and spend the night. Those ladies mean the world to me and have always been in my corner since I met them 8 years ago...wow, I am getting old! I have loved their boys since they were born. Karen has two boys: Devin who is 7 and in the 2nd grade and Lucas who will be 3 in November. Hadassah has one son, Isayah, who is 6 and in the 1st grade. They came over on Saturday and we played outside, watched Star Wars, and went to church on Sunday. I love spending time with them and I normally do it more over the summer, but I had to heal before I could. I hope to have them over again in September so we can watch the next movie, The Empire Strikes Back.

This coming week is going to get even busier for me because I start school myself on Wednesday. After a long time out of school and many years of trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, I am finally going back. My car accident shook up my whole world and I vowed to make my life a better one. One part of that is my weight and my health. Another part is finishing school and getting a degree. I am taking 3 classes and a lab, as well as working full time...two classes are online and one class and the lab are at night. That makes eating healthy a bit harder. 

I eat 5 times a day and each meal is relatively the same size with the same components. I eat my first breakfast at home and take my next breakfast and my two lunches with me to work. I come back home after work and eat my only dinner. Now, on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I will also have to pack my dinner with me to eat school when I get there. It also eliminates two nights a week that I can cook and get ahead during the week. So I decided that I needed to cook on Sunday for the whole week. I didn't realize how much food that would be until I started planning out my shopping and cooking list! I have just finished cooking and I cooked the following:

5 chicken breast

4 cod fillets

4 salmon fillets

2.5 lbs Brussels sprouts (12 servings...got a little carried away!)

8 servings of jasmine rice

8 servings of basmati rice

8 servings of quinoa

~6 servings of broccoli

~6 servings of cauliflower

~6 servings of sweet potatoes

rinsed 2 lbs of spinach

cut 2-3 servings of cucumbers

cut 3 green bell peppers

This doesn't include the egg whites that I eat every morning for breakfast. I am hoping that it is enough to get me through the whole week without having to cook again until the weekend and I am praying it all fits in the fridge!

Now that I am done with all of that, I can relax for a bit and then hit the bed early, after a very late night last night. This week will be busy, but I know that I can do this. At church today, PK talked about what if God was whispering to you to give it another try. It could be in any area of your life, but what if He was telling you to try it one more time. This hit me today as I am giving many things another try that I have failed at before. It was what I needed to hear today and I am finally on the right track. I am doing things the right way with God in the lead and I am trusting in Him to give it another try. Check it out at www.12stone.com/watch and look for this weeks message on Peter.

For more info on getting back into exercise or looking for encouragement and a team to cheer you on, check out www.enduredgirl.com #bebravebebadass #operationcarynssmiles #neverquit

Week #1 over!

Well, week #1 of this new journey is over. I started on last Monday and weighed 255.0 lbs. I weighed yesterday morning and I weighed 246.3 lbs. That's 8.7 lbs lost in one week!  Now, I realize that much of this was water weight, especially since I had begun to retain water the week prior to beginning all of this. And I realize that not all weeks will be like this. But, I am still excited!

Through all of this, I have begun to make changes in other areas of my health as well. I have taken way too many meds for way too long. I have taken diclofenac (anti-inflammatory,) gabapentin (nerve pain,) and cyclobenzaprine (muscle relaxer) for over a year due to my chronic knee and back pain. I also have maxalt for migraines. Since my concussion in April 2014, I have added propranolol for headache management and trazadone for depression and insomnia. I use Flonase and Zyrtec for allergies and an albuterol inhaler for asthma.  I had to add Mira Lax to my daily regime due to all the digestive side effects of these meds. I have pain meds as well that I don't like to take unless I truly need them for severe pain. I am a walking medicine cabinet. And I hate it!

So when my cognitive neurologist said he wanted to start weaning me off everything, I was nervous. I have gotten so used to all the meds, I was worried what would happen when they were gone. My back pain can be excruciating at times and that is with being on all those meds. I was scared to see what would happen when I came off of them.

I started with one at a time. I dropped diclofenac first, then the muscle relaxer a week later. Next off the list was the trazadone and that was weaned over a month to make sure I wasn't going to have any crazy side effects of coming off of an antidepressant. The next big one was the med for nerve pain. It had been my miracle drug a year ago when the pain shot down the backs of both legs and I was barely able to walk. Slowly over time, the neurosurgeon and my headache neurologist have upped the dosage to help with the back pain and the increasing headaches. This one was weaned down over about 10 days and the pain has increased some, but it is not unbearable. Today I started the last weaning for the propranolol. We will see how this week goes with the headaches because this med may not can be eliminated right now because my brain is still recovering from the concussion. With all of this, I have also come off Zyrtec and Mira Lax. Today was the first day in YEARS that I have taken ZERO meds. It feels amazing to be able to this and I hope that everything continues as I continue to lose weight and exercise.

I want to thank every one for their encouraging words and prayers. Some days I feel better than others. Some days I feel like a rock star and some days I feel like a slug. I am determined to make my life better, one step at a time. I still have physical therapy for my knees twice a week, weekly doctor appts, and cognitive therapy on the horizon to help with some lingering memory problems from the concussion. My world has been turned upside down over the past 4 months, but I believe that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for me.

Some days it's still hard for me to understand why I had to go through my accident and resulting brain injury, but it stirred some things in me that needed to be stirred. I have been busting my tail to make my life better from that moment on and maybe that is the only reason for all of this. No matter what, one day I will look back at all this, and it will be a distant memory and I'll be able to see how far I have really come.

No need to be worried...

"No need to be worried. You are doing everything right." These are the words I heard today from my doctor when I went to find out why my feet and ankles had swollen up so bad this past weekend.

I have had so many obstacles over the years, many over the past year and a half. From two knee surgeries, to 4 bulging/herniated discs in my back, to asthma, to crushing my hand (and then breaking my wrist,) to a really bad concussion, to arthritis and bursitis in both knees...I often feel like I am running an uphill battle and I wonder if it will ever get any better. So when my feet swelled up this past weekend, despite drinking 3 liters of water per day and changing my diet and decreasing my sodium, I began to worry. When it didn't get any better after a few days, I called my doctor and made an appointment.

I was nervous today. I was worried about my heart and/or my lungs. I smoked for 12 years (and quit January 2, 2012) and was diagnosed with adult onset asthma in 2007. I have been told for years that I had crappy lungs...that the damage I had done to them from smoking would probably not ever get back to perfect. I was told to get used to bronchitis every winter and nebulizer treatments whenever I got a cough. I cried because it was my own poor choices that caused this. I accepted it and moved on.  So today when I talked to my doctor about what was going on and I had a bit of a nagging cough, she ordered an EKG and a spirometry test to rule some things out.

My EKG came back normal. My blood pressure was normal. My spirometry test showed that my age is 35 years and that my lungs are less than 35 years! She said that I had the best lungs that she had seen in a month. I nearly cried. After years of hearing about my crappy lungs, I finally got to hear something good about them. She looked back at my blood work from a month ago when I had my physical and said all my blood work was perfect. She looked at my vitals from a month ago and told me that I had lost 7 lbs since my last visit. That is when she told me, "No need to be worried. You are doing everything right."

I know that this is a long, hard road ahead of me. I know that it will not get easier (and if it does, I am not working hard enough!) But for a moment today, I had a glimpse of hope for the future...a future that does not include weekly doctor visits and daily medications. I long for that future and it pushes me to do hard things every day. I hope that it will push you as well.

Day 1=SUCCESS!

I'm so excited to have started my 24 day challenge with Advocare and I'm pumped to see where this all goes!

I started my challenge by weighing, taking measurements, and before pictures. I'm embarrassed to post that info for everyone to see because I can't believe I've let myself get to this point. But, I need to post it so it's out there for the world to hold me accountable and as a way to look back and see where this all began.

On Monday, July 28, 2014, I weighed 255.0 lbs. 

My measurements were as follows:
Chest=44 inches
Waist=41 inches
Hips=55 inches
Thigh=31 inches
Upper Arm=15 inches

Here are my before pictures...extremely unflattering!

I had also began to retain water over the weekend, so this number was much higher than the week before. I'm heading to the doctor on Thursday to get checked out because my feet and ankles are so swollen that they hurt. I have increased my water intake from nearly nothing to about 100 ounces per day. I have also decreased my sodium intake to whatever naturally occurs in food, so that is very low. My blood pressure is normal as well, but I'm still concerned. I just want to make sure nothing is going on with my heart or lungs.

However, despite everything going on, my first day was a success! My sister and I got up early and rode our bikes. It wasn't as long as I had planned for, but time got away from me. I'll have to get up a bit earlier to get it done on top of cooking breakfast, packing lunch, and getting ready for work. I felt good all day long, even though I feel like I'm always eating!

Day two hasn't been quite as successful. I was not able to exercise this morning due to a severe migraine that woke me from my sleep at 3:30 am. I also had a hard time eating any breakfast because I was so nauseous from the pain. I was able to choke down most of it and keep it down. I'm sitting here now trying to eat my lunch and it's hard to eat when you don't feel well and just don't feel hungry. But I need to eat, so I'll just keep trying. Other than my head hurting, and the resulting nausea, I still feel pretty good today...a little more sleepy, but a midday Spark should help that.

Overall, I feel better already and I'm praying that my health checks out on Thursday and that things continue to improve every day.

A new journey ahead!

So, I am not the best when it comes to writing, especially about myself, so you'll have to forgive me. But, I am embarking on a new adventure next weekend and I am so excited! I want to journal my progress as a means to inspire others and to hold myself accountable.

I weigh more now than I ever have. The past year and a half, I have had some major back pain and problems, crushed my right hand in the car hood, had hand surgery, had a major car accident, broke my wrist (of the hand that I had surgery on,)  and had a significant concussion that has turned into post concussive syndrome, leaving me with memory issues and a daily fight against headaches and fatigue. I see several doctors and therapists every week and I am on many medications to help with the results from all these things. I had pretty much given up on losing weight and feeling better.

Through a series of events, I have been blessed to have several people on a team behind me, helping me along in this journey. Starting next weekend, I will start a 24 day challenge through Advocare and a new way of eating. I am looking forward to this, but at the same time, I'm a little bit nervous.

My friend, Angela, has been cheering me on in my attempt to start exercising again, even creating Operation Caryn's Smiles, and it has renewed in me the fight to try this thing again. She put me in contact with Nathan, who is jumping in this thing with me...he has no idea what a mess he has on his hands...and after talking with him, I have a sense of hope that this might actually all be possible. For more info about @TeamEndured and Operation Caryn's Smiles, visit http://www.enduredgirl.com/

I am ready and I am hoping that someone out there can relate to my struggles and realize that anything is possible with the right team behind you. I am trying to be brave now, so I can be badass later!