Withdrawal and a wake up call

I've always known that withdrawal was not a fun experience. I've heard all the stories about withdrawal from illegal drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol, and even caffeine. I have never had to deal with drug withdrawal (since I have never participated in that activity,) never had to deal with alcohol or even caffeine withdrawal. But after doing some research over the weekend, I have come to realize that I am currently experiencing the effects of withdrawal.

I have been suffering from migraines since I was 18. I have been on so many medications, both abortive and preventative over the years. They all have side effects that are undesirable. The trade off is worth it though if they actually work. The abortive medicine I take makes me so sleepy, but it's worth it because it gets rid of the headache. The preventatives are a different story. They make me sleepy, slow my digestion, increase weight gain, and make me feel groggy. All the while, they really don't do anything to prevent the migraines. So, I spoke with my doctor about 6 weeks ago, and he said to start tapering down the dosage. Because it is a antidepressant (amitriptyline), it is not advisable to stop cold turkey. It has been a long process and one that has made me nervous. Some people have really severe withdrawal symptoms, but I never had many problems with the taper. However, the complete lack of the medication has been a different story and one that I didn't realize was happening until a week later.

Last week was my first full week on no medication. I was concerned initially because it also helps with the insomnia that I have had for years. But, I never had any problems with falling asleep. However, my mood sucked last week. I had no motivation, no energy, no drive. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I only went to gym the two days I was scheduled with Celeste because I waited too late to cancel. In my heart, I felt guilty for the way I was feeling, but I just couldn't shake it. I worried that the severe depression, that I have also dealt with since I was 18, was coming back. I fought with all my being to make it to work every day. I missed school on Tuesday night because of a really bad headache that started on Monday and never really went away. I felt as if all the joy had been sucked out of my life and I was sad and alone. It was a horrible feeling, especially since the week before had been so good! 

I just couldn't shake it off. I forced myself to go to the park on Saturday and walk 3 miles, even though it was freezing and I really didn't want to go. I spent most of my time in conversation with God. People probably thought I was crazy, as I was literally talking out loud. I needed to vent...I needed to get those emotions out. I don't do well AT ALL with expressing my emotions. I keep them to myself and rarely approach someone else to talk about them. Normally the only way to get me to talk with someone is if that person picks up on the change and asks me about it. I tend to become extremely quiet in times like these, even more so than normal. I know that this is not the best coping strategy, but it is what I do. I think a part of me does it to protect myself from totally losing it and breaking down to someone else. I don't like to feel vulnerable...it's something that I am working on.

After my walk, I began to feel a bit better. Saturday night I began researching how long it took for the medication to clear my system and I found varying results. But, I came across a site that listed possible withdrawal symptoms from amitriptyline and wouldn't you know, I had so many of them! It was like a light bulb went on and I realized what was going on. Most are due to the low amounts of neurotransmitters in the brain that the body has to pick up the slack again. It takes some time, but it will kick back in shortly. It was a bit of a relief to find that I wasn't really going crazy, I was just in withdrawal!

Sunday I found myself in a better mood, even though it was the beginning of a very busy week ahead. The series at church has been a life changing one and it has been what I needed to hear every week. It hasn't really been what I wanted to hear, but something I definitely needed to hear! Here are the pictures of my notes from the past 4 weeks...a little insight into 12Stone Church and how my mind works while I am there.

 Week 1: Resiliency--Stand up, Stand firm, Stand back up

 Week 2: Re-enlist--Rededicate to it tomorrow and every day after

 Week 3: Self Restraint--Walk with, Walk away, Walk in

Week 4: Happiness and Instant Gratification--"It's" Never Enough

Every week I think *this* week is the best one and the one most meant for me. And every week, I say that and every week, it is just what I need to hear. Through this journey, I have had to accept some very hard truths about myself: 

I give up too easily, I keep my emotions shut in, I want what others have without all the work, I let myself be swayed by society, I can't forgive myself, I am afraid to love others, I am selfish, I am incredibly smart but I don't use it like I should, I like to be right, I don't like to let others get close, I need to be right, I am a hypocrite, I absolutely hate to lose, I am a pessimist but I just call myself a realist, I don't believe in myself, I hate being wrong, I am terrified of the future. I have lost my hope and sometimes my faith.

My list could go on, but those are the big ones. I put this out there because I KNOW that there are others that feel this way too. I know that everyone goes through these feelings and I know that maybe by putting it all out there, I can help. Maybe it'll even help me. If you asked me these things, face to face, I'd never be able to be so open and honest, but through this screen and these written words, it is easier to put it out there. This self evaluation has been my wake up call. I pray daily that I can move past the truths and create new truths about myself, but for now, this is it...maybe by recognizing them, I am one step closer to putting it all behind me.

#bebrave #bebadass #nevergiveup #neverquit #teamendured #operationcarynssmiles #sometimestearsaregood #stillhaveahardtimeacceptingthat