It has been since May that I have posted on here and there are many reasons why. I'm not making excuses, but summer semester and the start of my program have kicked my tail. My eating habits have tanked. I spend about 10-14 hours every day at school and some days I hardly remember to eat. I drink entirely too much coffee to keep myself awake and my mind is racing with so much information and surgical instruments that I am lucky to pull 5 hours of sleep each night. I am exhausted, I have gained about 15 pounds sine my post in April when I hit my lowest of 218. I am sitting right around 230 again. I am frustrated, but I am tired. Yet, I have never questioned if I was really doing what I was called to do. Never questioned if I was where God wanted me. Until today...
Today was the first day since I started back to school (over a year ago) that I thought I had made the wrong decision. We started lab schedule today I was scheduled for 6 hours straight, no break. I knew that today would be hard...info wise and time wise. I prepared as best I could. I actually got 6 hours of sleep last night. We had seen this entire check off (#4) ONE TIME on Wednesday. Today was our first day of practice. One teacher was going to be in OR1 and one was going to be in central sterile. They had a previous graduate who has been a tech for 3 years come to help in OR2, which is was where I was.
It was a train wreck. I knew from talking to others that it had been for them as well, but in the other OR, they had guidance. I had dirty looks and rolling eyes anytime I asked a question. I was told that I should know how to do this already and that I was the only one who struggled, so maybe I didn't pay attention or take notes and maybe I needed to spend some more time at school working on things. I nearly lost it. I bit my tongue and choked back my tears (there is no crying in the OR.) I continued fumbling around and was relieved when I was finished and got my turn to play surgeon instead.
I was pouring sweat and fuming with anger by the time my first 2 hours where up. Everyone was running behind, so I stepped out of my OR to wait for my next partner. My lab teacher joked about how sweaty my face was and told me to "take that crap off and cool down a minute." I ended up ripping it off and then someone asked me how it went. I had to walk away. I walked by my other teacher, who I love, and she saw my face and asked if I was okay...I answered no and walked out to the hall.
Several things were running though my head at this time. Do I react in anger and put my fist through a wall? Do I cry and let it all out and risk looking like a fool? Do I grab my stuff and leave and never come back? Did I make the right choice? Can I really do this? Is it worth it? Can I handle it?
I know that I will work with plenty of people like this when I graduate. But, I am student who has been in this program for ONE MONTH today. I have had spent nearly 15 hours at school every day this week and last. I bust my ass on my lab skills, practice any chance I can get at home, study for hours on end, help my friends learn instrument names by making up stupid sayings, taken on an added role of class president that I still don't know what entails, and I have this girl tell me that I don't work hard enough. Maybe she was right.
I ended up sitting in the stair well and I cried. I begged God to help me get it together and do it again. Help me to keep my temper under check because no one wants to see me act how I feel right now. Get it together and prove her wrong. I was also frustrated because we are a reflection of who we are working with and if we don't work well together or of totally different skill sets, it can make us look bad. I obviously didn't need any help in that area! My next partner has struggled since the beginning, so I was dreading it with her as well. But I didn't have a choice. I went first again and it was much better the 2nd time around, but I still have a long way to go. It obviously can't be easy since I have 22 scheduled lab times over the next 17 class days, as well as other open lab times to practice.
Again, I had never been so relieved as I was when I was finished and I got to play surgeon. I did much better and didn't feel like such a failure, but I was still mad. I fumed about it to a couple of friends and heard from others that they had been told the same things by this girl. Even our "mean" teacher, who will flat out tell you that you asked a dumb question, hadn't been like that. Someone told me I should say something...follow our teachers slogan of "say what you need to say." I get elected to talk to my teachers because I'm the president...I don't think that is in my job description! I also get elected to talk to them because everyone says that they think that the teachers think that I can do no wrong, that I am the favorite, and then they won't get mad at me. That bothered me a little, but I can see where some would think that. I know a few of my friends in class are the favorites and it is apparent at times.
I decided I wasn't going to say anything though. But, when everything was finished and I was eating lunch with two other people, my favorite teacher (we only have two right now...the nice one and the mean one) came back to ask us how we felt today. We all had things to say about how we fumbled around and felt horrible about it. She told us that it was understandable and that's kind of how it will feel for a few days. Eventually the talk changed and it came out how I felt about today and how I was ready to quit. She is just so sweet and told me "oh no...don't do that." She told the 3 of us that she wasn't worried about any of the three of us and we would be fine, but there were some people she was worried about. She told me that she was glad that I told her what happened today and that she would talk to the other girl. I feel like there is a lot of questions and she told me that would happen and we would start class most days with questions that we had in order to make sure that everyone is on the same page.
I felt a bit better after that and decided that I wasn't going to quit today. She also told me that it didn't help that I am mentally and physically exhausted and to rest this weekend and start over fresh on Monday. I prayed the whole way home for God to ease my mind and I no longer feel like I have made a mistake by quitting my job to do school full time and making a total career change. And I am emotional today for who knows why, so that probably added to it.
So even though this has nothing to do with exercise, losing weight, or working out, it still has every bit to do with #BeBraveBeBadass and #neverquit and #noexcuses and about following God's will for my life. I am struggling lately, but I know it will get better...it might not be till August 2016, but it will get better. For now, that will have to be enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment