This song hits home with me most days...right now it really does. Check it out!

Who I Am

Another voice, another choice
To listen to words somebody said
Another day, I replay, one too many doubts inside my head
Am I strong, beautiful, am I good enough
Do I belong after all, that I've said and done
Is it real when I feel I don't measure up
Am I loved

I'm runnin' to the One who knows me
Who made every part of me in His hands
I'm holdin' to the One who holds me
'Cause I know, 'cause I am
I know who I am
I am sure, I am Yours

Turnin' down, tunin' out
Every single word that caused me pain
Unashamed and unafraid
'Cause I believe You mean it when You say
I am strong, beautiful
I am good enough
And I belong after all, 'cause of what You've done
This is real what I feel
No one made it up
I am loved

I'm runnin' to the One who knows me
Who made every part of me in His hands
I'm holdin' to the One who holds me
'Cause I know, 'cause I am
I know who I am
I am sure, I am Yours

Fearfully, wonderfully, perfectly
You had made me

I'm runnin' to the One who knows me
Ya-a-ay
I'm holdin' to the One who holds me
Holds me holds me-e-e-yay

I'm runnin' to the One who knows me
Who made every part of me in His hands
I'm holdin' to the One who holds me
'Cause I know, 'cause I am
I know who I am
I am sure, I am Yours
Oh, I am Yours
I am sure, I am Yours
And I know who I am

Today was a train wreck!

It has been since May that I have posted on here and there are many reasons why. I'm not making excuses, but summer semester and the start of my program have kicked my tail. My eating habits have tanked. I spend about 10-14 hours every day at school and some days I hardly remember to eat. I drink entirely too much coffee to keep myself awake and my mind is racing with so much information and surgical instruments that I am lucky to pull 5 hours of sleep each night. I am exhausted, I have gained about 15 pounds sine my post in April when I hit my lowest of 218. I am sitting right around 230 again. I am frustrated, but I am tired. Yet, I have never questioned if I was really doing what I was called to do. Never questioned if I was where God wanted me. Until today...

Today was the first day since I started back to school (over a year ago) that I thought I had made the wrong decision. We started lab schedule today I was scheduled for 6 hours straight, no break. I knew that today would be hard...info wise and time wise. I prepared as best I could. I actually got 6 hours of sleep last night. We had seen this entire check off (#4) ONE TIME on Wednesday. Today was our first day of practice. One teacher was going to be in OR1 and one was going to be in central sterile. They had a previous graduate who has been a tech for 3 years come to help in OR2, which is was where I was.

It was a train wreck. I knew from talking to others that it had been for them as well, but in the other OR, they had guidance. I had dirty looks and rolling eyes anytime I asked a question. I was told that I should know how to do this already and that I was the only one who struggled, so maybe I didn't pay attention or take notes and maybe I needed to spend some more time at school working on things. I nearly lost it. I bit my tongue and choked back my tears (there is no crying in the OR.) I continued fumbling around and was relieved when I was finished and got my turn to play surgeon instead.

I was pouring sweat and fuming with anger by the time my first 2 hours where up. Everyone was running behind, so I stepped out of my OR to wait for my next partner. My lab teacher joked about how sweaty my face was and told me to "take that crap off and cool down a minute." I ended up ripping it off and then someone asked me how it went. I had to walk away. I walked by my other teacher, who I love, and she saw my face and asked if I was okay...I answered no and walked out to the hall.

Several things were running though my head at this time. Do I react in anger and put my fist through a wall? Do I cry and let it all out and risk looking like a fool? Do I grab my stuff and leave and never come back? Did I make the right choice? Can I really do this? Is it worth it? Can I handle it?

I know that I will work with plenty of people like this when I graduate. But, I am student who has been in this program for ONE MONTH today. I have had spent nearly 15 hours at school every day this week and last. I bust my ass on my lab skills, practice any chance I can get at home, study for hours on end, help my friends learn instrument names by making up stupid sayings, taken on an added role of class president that I still don't know what entails, and I have this girl tell me that I don't work hard enough. Maybe she was right.

I ended up sitting in the stair well and I cried. I begged God to help me get it together and do it again. Help me to keep my temper under check because no one wants to see me act how I feel right now. Get it together and prove her wrong. I was also frustrated because we are a reflection of who we are working with and if we don't work well together or of totally different skill sets, it can make us look bad. I obviously didn't need any help in that area! My next partner has struggled since the beginning, so I was dreading it with her as well. But I didn't have a choice. I went first again and it was much better the 2nd time around, but I still have a long way to go. It obviously can't be easy since I have 22 scheduled lab times over the next 17 class days, as well as other open lab times to practice.

Again, I had never been so relieved as I was when I was finished and I got to play surgeon. I did much better and didn't feel like such a failure, but I was still mad. I fumed about it to a couple of friends and heard from others that they had been told the same things by this girl. Even our "mean" teacher, who will flat out tell you that you asked a dumb question, hadn't been like that. Someone told me I should say something...follow our teachers slogan of "say what you need to say." I get elected to talk to my teachers because I'm the president...I don't think that is in my job description! I also get elected to talk to them because everyone says that they think that the teachers think that I can do no wrong, that I am the favorite, and then they won't get mad at me. That bothered me a little, but I can see where some would think that. I know a few of my friends in class are the favorites and it is apparent at times.

I decided I wasn't going to say anything though. But, when everything was finished and I was eating lunch with two other people, my favorite teacher (we only have two right now...the nice one and the mean one) came back to ask us how we felt today. We all had things to say about how we fumbled around and felt horrible about it. She told us that it was understandable and that's kind of how it will feel for a few days. Eventually the talk changed and it came out how I felt about today and how I was ready to quit. She is just so sweet and told me "oh no...don't do that." She told the 3 of us that she wasn't worried about any of the three of us and we would be fine, but there were some people she was worried about. She told me that she was glad that I told her what happened today and that she would talk to the other girl. I feel like there is a lot of questions and she told me that would happen and we would start class most days with questions that we had in order to make sure that everyone is on the same page.

I felt a bit better after that and decided that I wasn't going to quit today. She also told me that it didn't help that I am mentally and physically exhausted and to rest this weekend and start over fresh on Monday. I prayed the whole way home for God to ease my mind and I no longer feel like I have made a mistake by quitting my job to do school full time and making a total career change. And I am emotional today for who knows why, so that probably added to it.

So even though this has nothing to do with exercise, losing weight, or working out, it still has every bit to do with #BeBraveBeBadass and #neverquit and #noexcuses and about following God's will for my life. I am struggling lately, but I know it will get better...it might not be till August 2016, but it will get better. For now, that will have to be enough.

Half hearted or totally devoted?

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and where it is heading. I look back at where I was and I see where I am now and I pleased about the way things are going. But at the same time, I know I could do more. I want more out of my life. I want to be more. This week's service at 12Stone Church struck a chord with me and was exactly what I needed to hear. You can check it out online at http://12stone.com/watch/great-and-awesome/our-god-who-overcomes/ and you'll be inspired for sure!

For me, my notes were full. I have lived my entire life being "half way in." I completed high school half way, doing only enough to get by. I played sports that way in the end of things, only working hard when I had to. I have been half way with school, which is why I am 36 and in college...again. I treat my fitness and health half way, working hard for a while and then slacking off...yet wondering why I am not progressing like I had hoped. I have treated my finances half way and spent when I wanted to spend, no matter the consequences of debt. I have even treated my faith half way, only leaning on God when it is convenient and not when it is hard.

So yesterday was a real eye opener for me. No more time for half hearted living...it's time for total devotion to the things that matter. It's time to work hard and play later. It's time to crack down and get serious about the things that I want in life. I sat and looked at my long term goal list in my bathroom this morning. I hadn't done that in a while. I mean, I see it every day, but I don't look at it and think about it every day like I used to. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I have dreamed of having children for as long as I remember. It has been my number one goal for my life. There are times when I have thought that maybe that wasn't in the cards for me...maybe it wasn't part of God's plan. But, I don't really believe that. I don't think God would have given me such a passion for parenting if it wasn't to happen. So I looked today at that list and adopting a child stood out to me. If that is something that I really want to do (or have a child through other means) then I have to work hard for it. It's not just going to fall into my lap without any effort.

I have never been the greatest about sticking to a budget. I can write a budget and it all looks good on paper, but when it comes to actually sticking to it, I suck at it! But, for the first time in my life, I have a budget with every single dollar accounted for and planned for. I have stupid debt. Much more than I should and probably not as much as some. I have credit card debt, medical debt, and way too much student loan debt. But, I have a plan and I am working slowly, but surely, on paying off that debt. Thankfully my student loan is on good standing and is currently deferred while I am in school. 

My health and fitness have been a struggle since I got out of college back in 1999-2000. Stupid choices and a lack of exercise ave landed me where I am today. I was rocking really well for about 3 months and I got lazy. I missed a day, then a week, then two weeks. Next thing I knew, I was eating junk, driving through the fast food line, eating too late, and not cooking. It was so easy to fall right back into the bad habits. Even when I realized what was happening, I had lost the motivation. I was distracted and discouraged. It was easier to go back to the old choices. It was too hard to force myself to get up early to go to the gym. I had other things that I wanted to do on the weekends that didn't involve waking early to go walk or run at the park. But, yesterday was yet another wake up call. 

It's time to crack down and me totally devoted to the things that matter...to things that are important to me: faith, family, fitness, and finances. I can do this...not alone, but with God, all things are possible. I have new outlook on life and I am jumping in totally devoted to reaching the goals that I set out for myself...and maybe even some that I haven't realized that I want yet.

Have you ever felt like you let everyone down?

Have you ever felt like you let everyone down? Have you ever thought of yourself as a disappointment? Has anyone ever looked up to you and you wondered why? Have you ever been some one's role model and totally failed at it?

This is how I have felt the last few weeks since my last blog entry. I have shut myself in and away from mostly everyone and everything. The following is a copy of the email that I sent to Celeste, my trainer and friend, on Monday:

I feel like I owe you an explanation. It is not an excuse, but I feel like I need to let you in on what has been going on since Spring Break. 

I took Spring Break week off (first mistake) because I was nearing exhaustion. I was also house sitting on my work side of town and you were gone, so I figured no one would notice. I told myself it was only a week and I needed it. The following week I was sick and not sleeping and totally tired, so I didn't come. It was probably for the best since my lungs were totally gunked up. But after two weeks being gone, I found that my motivation left with it. I was still losing weight. so it started a way of thinking that has been detrimental. I came for my two sessions, but started finding excuses as to why I couldn't come for cardio. Something was better than nothing, right?

Then finals kicked in and my stress level went through the roof. When I get stressed, two things happen: I don't sleep much or well and I eat. Not only do I eat, but I crave junk. And the past two weeks, I caved bad. And the more that I gave in, the more that I found myself just not caring. I stopped weighing myself, stopped drinking water, stopped exercising, stopped giving a crap. And after a week, I said I would stop. But the stress didn't stop, so I didn't either. Coupled with finals and having to work early and late at school, I found myself not being able to come to the gym AND eating nearly every meal from a fast food joint. Again I said that Monday would be different...but as you know now, I didn't come in today. My alarm went off and I caved again and turned it off and went back to sleep. 

I feel awful...mentally and physically, as well as emotionally. It's been a spiral. I am mad and embarrassed that I let this happen. Everyone at work looks to me, and yet I keep this from them too. I weighed this morning and I am up almost 10 POUNDS from my last blog post 2ish weeks ago. I was devastated and sad and humiliated. And I found myself wanting to avoid the gym, to give up, to quit, because I didn't want to answer for my choices. I wanted to turn and run. I wanted to turn to all the bad choices that I have made in the past. If I had it my house, I would have quickly and easily turned to the poor choices that I have turned to in the past...and I found myself angry that I had thought that. 

I sit here now in tears as I type this. I know that people have ups and downs, but I chose this, and I didn't care. I have avoided anyone that I have some accountability to. I have kept all this a secret and I could easily just give up and be done. Which is why I had to write to you. I am pretty sure what I know you will say. But I needed to write this and I needed you to know. And I needed to apologize...I am sorry I have let you down and I have let myself down. And I don't know what I need to do to get out of this hole that I still find myself in.

Even sitting here now, rereading this, it makes me sad. I wonder if I am deserving of those who look to me for motivation and inspiration. I feel like I have failed them and they don't even know it. I am not worthy of their praise, not when I let this happen. I know that I am in a hole right now and I know that I have a fight ahead of me to get out of it. 

But, I sit here tonight, writing this, for several reasons. One, I need to be open and honest, even if it is ugly...that is what I agreed to when I started this. Two, who knows if there is someone else out there that feels the same way...and if there isn't right now, there will be one day. Three, it gets it out...and once it's out, I can work though it, process it, and move past it. So, tomorrow morning, I am back at the gym. I will probably hate myself and maybe even hate Celeste, but I need it. I have to do this. I have to many plans, hopes, and dreams for the future to let it all crumble now!

#BeBraveBeBadass #nevergiveup #nevegivein #neverquit #feelinglikeafailure #hatedisappoiment #turnandrunisnotanoption #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining 

It's been a little while...and some crazy BEFORE and AFTER photos! 100 days down at the gym!

So, it as been about a month since my last post. I have to admit that I have been a bit overwhelmed lately with school, work, health, fitness, and just life in general. I just don't seem to have all the time that I used to have or the energy at times. Since I am allergic to all things spring, I have been battling the past two weeks with just making it to work and home most days. Allergy meds make me so sleepy, but going without them led to bronchitis and a sinus infection, so I guess everything is a trade off at times.

Through this journey, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I first started the journey back in July 2014. I took every one's advice and posted BEFORE pictures that were taken on July 27, 2014. They were not flattering, but I didn't really want them to be. I wanted them to be real and not edited. I wanted to have something to look back on over time and see progress. I had my ups and downs in those times and lost 20 lbs, only to gain it all back by Christmas. So, I started over on January 12, 2015...100 days ago! I didn't take before pictures at this time because I looked the same as I had before...255 lbs and not happy!

Today I hit 100 days since starting at the gym and today I finally weigh LESS than my driver's license states...it's a miracle and a first! 

Everyone I see tells me how much I have changed. I see it in the sheer numbers...as of today, I have lost a total of 36.6 lbs in 100 days. I can tell by the fact that my pants and shorts are all falling off of me, that I have to cinch my belts as tight as they will go. I am down to a size large shirt from a XXL. I can fit into clothes that I have had for 5 or 6 years, always holding on to the hope of maybe wearing them again one day. I can see all of that. Yet, when I look in the mirror, I don't see it. I get that I see myself everyday and it is hard to see changes daily. So, I decided today, at 100 days, to do a little side by side comparison. And to say that I am completely blown away is an understatement.

On the left are my photos from "BEFORE" on July 27, 2014 and on the right are my photos from "AFTER" on April 22, 2015. I tried to re-create them as closely as possible. Funny thing is on the left, I have on size XXXL bike shorts and an XXL top...on the left, I have on size L bike shorts and size M top.

I still have so much further to go, but now, for the first time, I can finally see how far I have come. My goal weight is 150-160 lbs and as of today, I am 218.4 lbs. That is less that I have been in some 7 years. I feel better and I am working hard. I have goals that I never thought were possible and some that I never even thought that I would want to have. It feels good to see these and actually see the difference. I hope and pray that these pictures, as bad as they are, will inspire someone else to do the same. Anything is possible.

#BeBraveBeBadass #teamendured #nevergiveup #nevergivein #noexcuses #beforeandafter #100days

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right." --Henry Ford

Have you ever been told that you can't do something? Things like, "You can't eat that. You can't drink that. You can't buy that. You can't do that. You can't have that." Have you ever told yourself that you can't do something? If we are all honest, we have told ourselves that we can't do something at least once in our lives.

I have been told by others recently that I can't do a number of things: You can't run. You can't walk for exercise. You can't swim. You can't ace that test. You can't eat that. You can't drink that. You can't buy that. You can't lift that. You can't lose that much weight. You can't do a triathlon. You can't do a pull up. You can't play softball again.

 I hate being told that I can't do something. Normally, the sure fire way to get me to really work hard at something is to tell me I can't do it. But to hear someone else tell me that I can't do something, that I really want, is devastating. It totally takes the wind out of my sails. No, it does more than that...it sinks my entire ship!

I have a running list of goals, some of which are easier than others, some of which are much more long term than others. I make these goals public for all to see so I can be held accountable. It's amazing what that does for me. To know that so many people are keeping up with my goals and checking in on them is incredibly humbling...and sometimes it sucks! I know who reads my food journal and I know what they will say if I actually decided to eat dinner at McDonald's. I know who keeps up with my workouts and what they will say if I miss one or I don't hit my calorie goal for the week.

But, to have someone look at my list of goals and then look me in the eye and tell me that they are impossible is defeating. It makes a part of me just want to give up. If others think they are impossible, then why bother, right? I have pumped myself up about these goals and I don't put them on my list on a whim. They are thought about long and hard and realistically. Yes, I know that some goals are not safe. I have had two knee surgeries, so my basketball days are long gone...it wouldn't be SAFE to play again and I am okay with that. There are things on that list that I never thought I would be able to do and just to see them there pushes me every day. I may not reach all of them anytime soon and I may not reach some of them at all. I may find in time that it is no longer safe to play softball again...but don't tell me I CAN'T do it...not yet.

None of like to be told we can't do something. Want to see a prime example of this...hang out with a toddler for a little while and watch their reaction when they are told NO or YOU CAN'T DO THAT. They typically react with some enraged temper tantrum that rivals the Incredible Hulk. So why do we say it to ourselves so often, when we know we hate it? We beat ourselves down daily and let others influence the things we say to ourselves. We say things to ourselves that we would NEVER think about saying to another person. So why do we do it?!

Two new badges on my RoadID. I have now finished TWO 5K's and have more on the horizon. And No Excuses to remind me daily that there are no excuses why I can't do something, only reasons why I can.

I don't have the answer to that. I am guilty of it myself. But, I have decided that I won't let others dictate what I can and can't do anymore. Maybe some of those people who have recently told me that I can't do something are trying to reverse psychology me into working even harder towards it. And maybe they really think that I can't do it. But I am no longer listening to them. I will fight hard and I will not use past surgeries or injuries as an excuse not to do something. No more excuses...I will do this.

“Do. Or do not. There is no try.” --Yoda (The Empire Strikes Back)

#bebravebebadass #everyday #teamendured #nevergiveup #nevergivein #neverquit #noexcuses #yodaistheultimatebadass

What happens when failure is not an option?

Growing up I was taught the saying, "Hope for the best, but expect the worst." This seems like a logical life lesson...always have a contingency plan for when things don't go well. If you are always expecting the worst, you'll be pleasantly surprised when something better than that happens. You'll never be caught off guard by the worst case scenario. But I have found, in my adult life, that this saying leaves me unable to enjoy the good things in life, unable to see the hope that comes from trying new things, unable to accept that something good might come out of a bad situation. It has left me immediately jumping to the worst in a person or situation and therefore, a very pessimistic outlook on life.

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -Thomas A. Edison

I don't like to fail. In reality, I guess no one actually LIKES to fail. But for me, it is the end of the world...failure is just not an option that I am willing to entertain. I am so afraid of failing that it deters me from trying anything new that I might not be good at. In my mind, if I never try, I can't fail. And if I do try and it starts not going well or it gets too hard, I quit...because then it is my CHOICE to quit, not actual failure.

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." -Thomas A. Edison

My entire life has been a bit of a contradiction. I love a challenge. I like when things are not easy. I like things to be different every day. I love school because it is hard and I am good at it. I like that I actually have to use my brain. But at the same time, I constantly think that I am going to fail. I fight every day not to quit because it is hard and there is a slight possibility of failure and I really hate to fail. Most days, I love the gym. I love how much better I feel. In some sick way, I like when my muscles hurt because then I feel like I actually did something. When I wake up in the morning and it hurts to sneeze, part of me loves that. Yet another part of me has to fight a daily war within myself to make me go to gym or go run at the park.

"Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war." -Donald Trump

I have a goal of running. I haven't run for exercise since college (the first time around.) But the day that Celeste asked me, "Are you ready to start running intervals?" it scared the Hell out of me. I stammered with my answer. I knew that I was ready...it was going to be crazy hard, especially with bad knees, but it was one step closer to my goal. But in my head, I was answering. "No, I'm not ready...it will be too hard...I won't be able to do it...I can't do it...I change my mind about running." The down side (at times) to posting your goals publicly is that everyone knows them and will push you towards them, even if you don't push yourself. Damn accountability!

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." -Theodore Roosevelt

My entire life has been built around failure not being an option. One would think that this would mean that I would have excelled at everything, but it was often not the case. I would do just enough to get by. Nothing short of "A" in school was ever okay. This was not a lofty expectation because I was very smart, I still am, so A's were easy. But when I started back to school this time, I found that often times, even an A wasn't good enough. A 90 on a test was still an A, but it was barely an A. I would beat myself up over not being the best in the class. Yet at the same time, when I did ace a test and score the highest grade, I was in disbelief and I was sure the teacher had messed up somehow!

"I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can't accept not trying." -Michael Jordan

When I am at the gym, I am not likely to try anything new or more difficult without being told to do it first. Even then, I often don't want to. My mind constantly tells me "I can't" but I fight the urge to let that spill out of my mouth! Every day that I go to the park to walk and run, I look ahead and pick the next goal that I am going to run to. I find that some days, I push myself more than others. I know that if I went with someone else, they would push me, and some days that would be great. But those people, as inspiring and amazing that they are, may not always be around, and I have to learn to push myself.

"You are capable of more than you know. Choose a goal that seems right for you and strive to be the best, however hard the path. Aim high. Behave honorably. Prepare to be alone at times, and to endure failure. Persist! The world needs all you can give." -E. O. Wilson

So, I am working on some new life quotes, some new mantras for my life, given to me by a friend. These will also end up on my mirror to remind me every day.

“Expect the best. Plan for less.”

“Change happens outside your comfort zone.”

“It never gets easier, but you do get better.”

These will help me to change my thinking. It won't be easy to break nearly 36 years of previous thoughts, but I am willing to work hard at it. Failure is still not a viable option that I am really willing to entertain, but I am working on not focusing on those possibilities. I need to work on being the best version of myself today. To give it my all and when it is done, to know that I did my very best and whatever happens, happens. No longer will I give up when it gets hard, no longer will I quit to avoid failure. I will not give up again, I will not quit. I will fight until there is nothing left and that will have to be good enough.

"A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying." -B. F. Skinner

#bebravebebadass #nevergiveup #nevergivein #neverquit #teamendured #failureisnotanoption #failureisinevitable #dohardthings #thankfulforfriendswhopushme #evenwhenithinkicant