This is how I have felt the last few weeks since my last blog entry. I have shut myself in and away from mostly everyone and everything. The following is a copy of the email that I sent to Celeste, my trainer and friend, on Monday:
I feel like I owe
you an explanation. It is not an excuse, but I feel like I need to let you in
on what has been going on since Spring Break.
I took
Spring Break week off (first mistake) because I was nearing exhaustion. I was
also house sitting on my work side of town and you were gone, so I figured no
one would notice. I told myself it was only a week and I needed it. The
following week I was sick and not sleeping and totally tired, so I didn't come.
It was probably for the best since my lungs were totally gunked up. But after
two weeks being gone, I found that my motivation left with it. I was still
losing weight. so it started a way of thinking that has been detrimental. I
came for my two sessions, but started finding excuses as to why I couldn't come
for cardio. Something was better than nothing, right?
Then finals
kicked in and my stress level went through the roof. When I get stressed, two
things happen: I don't sleep much or well and I eat. Not only do I eat, but I
crave junk. And the past two weeks, I caved bad. And the more that I gave in,
the more that I found myself just not caring. I stopped weighing myself,
stopped drinking water, stopped exercising, stopped giving a crap. And after a
week, I said I would stop. But the stress didn't stop, so I didn't either.
Coupled with finals and having to work early and late at school, I found myself
not being able to come to the gym AND eating nearly every meal from a fast food
joint. Again I said that Monday would be different...but as you know now, I
didn't come in today. My alarm went off and I caved again and turned it off and
went back to sleep.
I feel
awful...mentally and physically, as well as emotionally. It's been a spiral. I
am mad and embarrassed that I let this happen. Everyone at work looks to me,
and yet I keep this from them too. I weighed this morning and I am up almost 10
POUNDS from my last blog post 2ish weeks ago. I was devastated and sad and
humiliated. And I found myself wanting to avoid the gym, to give up, to quit,
because I didn't want to answer for my choices. I wanted to turn and run. I
wanted to turn to all the bad choices that I have made in the past. If I had it
my house, I would have quickly and easily turned to the poor choices that I
have turned to in the past...and I found myself angry that I had thought
that.
I sit here
now in tears as I type this. I know that people have ups and downs, but I chose
this, and I didn't care. I have avoided anyone that I have some accountability
to. I have kept all this a secret and I could easily just give up and be done.
Which is why I had to write to you. I am pretty sure what I know you will say.
But I needed to write this and I needed you to know. And I needed to
apologize...I am sorry I have let you down and I have let myself down. And I
don't know what I need to do to get out of this hole that I still find myself
in.
But, I sit here tonight, writing this, for several reasons. One, I need to be open and honest, even if it is ugly...that is what I agreed to when I started this. Two, who knows if there is someone else out there that feels the same way...and if there isn't right now, there will be one day. Three, it gets it out...and once it's out, I can work though it, process it, and move past it. So, tomorrow morning, I am back at the gym. I will probably hate myself and maybe even hate Celeste, but I need it. I have to do this. I have to many plans, hopes, and dreams for the future to let it all crumble now!
#BeBraveBeBadass #nevergiveup #nevegivein #neverquit #feelinglikeafailure #hatedisappoiment #turnandrunisnotanoption #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining
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