What did I do to deserve this?

We all have those questions anytime something negative happens in our lives: Why me? Why do bad things happens to good people? Will things ever get better? When will my bad luck run out? What did I do to deserve this? In the grand scheme of things, it seems normal to have this reaction. We don't like for bad things to happen, especially to us, but that is life and bad things do happen.

But some of us, myself included, ask this question anytime something good happens: What did I do to deserve THIS? I don't know why I do it, I think I always have, or at least for all of my adult life. I don't feel worthy of blessings, no matter how small. I know that they are gifts from God through people in my life, but I know that I don't deserve them. I find myself asking this about people as well. Why do they like me? Why do they want to be around me? Why do they believe in me? Why do the cheer me on? Why to they encourage me? Why do they want to see me smile? I don't deserve that.

It is something that has become a HUGE, uncontrollable battle for me right now. Part of me knows I shouldn't feel this way, but some other part of me, that seems to take over the control, tells me that I don't deserve good things or good people in my life. I have so many people in my corner, cheering me on, believing in me in ways that I can't even fathom.

I have my family, Mom, Dad, Kylie (sister), Jason (brother), April (brother's girlfriend), who believe in me in all I do. They aren't ever surprised when I get a good grade or achieve something that I thought was impossible.

I have Angela, who believed in me LONG before I even thought about believing in myself. She cheers me on through Facebook and thinks I have big things in store for my future. She evens thinks that I'll do a triathlon one day!

I have Nathan, who thinks I will actually RUN a 5K and do a triathlon in my future.

I have my best friend, Karen, who is excited for me and who tells me we can't be the chunky old people on our electric scooters, watching our kids and grand kids play together because we are too overweight and out of shape to play with them. She believes that I will be an amazing mother one day and she already loves me for who I am.

I have Celeste, who is my trainer and my friend, who is beyond amazing, who gets in my face and tells me I need to smile, tells me I need to celebrate, that says I am going to do big things. She believes that I will hit all the goals I want for my life. She seems to know what to say and when to say it. She makes me want to go to the gym every day (which is a miracle in itself!) She doesn't put up with my BS and tells me that things are going to change, starting today. She reminds me every day that tomorrow is a new day, and that is something I need to be reminded of several times daily. She also thinks that I'm going to learn to play tennis...I'm not so sure I believe that!

She put me in contact with Christina, who I spoke with for the first time yesterday, who I can already tell will be a huge blessing to me. Between the two of them, they think they can crack these walls I have built for so long...they don't know that they have a long, hard road ahead of them! I want to break them down, but I am scared to death.

I have so many others out there that I know are praying for me every day. And, every day, the question remains: What did I do to deserve this, to deserve them? My life has not always been easy, but it hasn't been as hard as some. I have made more than my share of poor choices, I have a past that I can't forgive myself for. There are things about me that only a few people know...there are things about me that no one knows. I can't forgive myself for my mistakes, but I know I need to and I am working on it. I know that I need to talk about these things to an actual person, face to face, instead of just taking the easy way out and writing them down. I know that I need to cry and deal with the pain of past mistakes. I know that I will probably feel better if I fall apart, but I am afraid that I won't be able to put myself back together. These are not new problems, but they are hard to get over. I have thought many times in the past that I have let them go, only to have them come back up later down the line. It is a marathon, not a sprint, and though the goal line is out of sight, I know it is there and I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

For a bit of good news (because I am learning to live for the moment and look for all the best parts of each moment...and I am supposed to be learning to smile and celebrate those moments)...I have lost 12 lbs since starting at the gym (on Jan 9th, I think.) I am officially one notch tighter in my belt (sometimes 2 notches, depending on what pants I have on.) I dug out the old gym shorts that I had in the bag to give to Goodwill because they didn't fit anymore, but I hadn't gotten around to taking them yet. They fit now and might even be too big come spring time when it would be warm enough to wear them. I made a 92 (A) on my first A&P2 test (that I really didn't feel prepared for.) And I am walking my very first OFFICIAL 5K on Saturday (in about 41 hours from right now!) I am nervous, but my only goal is to finish before they open the roads back up! 

I know that I am not alone in my feelings. I know that there are others out there who struggle with these same thoughts, some probably much worse. This is not meant to look like I am feeling sorry for myself, But, it is meant to put it all out there: the good, the bad, and the ugly. If I can help just one person through this journey of mine, it will be a success. I would love to touch hundreds, Hell, even thousands, but for now it's one step at time, one moment at a time, one person at a time.

#bebrave #bebadass #nevergiveup #nevergivein #tomorrowisanewday #liveandlovethenow #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining #icandothis #iwilldothis

Withdrawal and a wake up call

I've always known that withdrawal was not a fun experience. I've heard all the stories about withdrawal from illegal drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol, and even caffeine. I have never had to deal with drug withdrawal (since I have never participated in that activity,) never had to deal with alcohol or even caffeine withdrawal. But after doing some research over the weekend, I have come to realize that I am currently experiencing the effects of withdrawal.

I have been suffering from migraines since I was 18. I have been on so many medications, both abortive and preventative over the years. They all have side effects that are undesirable. The trade off is worth it though if they actually work. The abortive medicine I take makes me so sleepy, but it's worth it because it gets rid of the headache. The preventatives are a different story. They make me sleepy, slow my digestion, increase weight gain, and make me feel groggy. All the while, they really don't do anything to prevent the migraines. So, I spoke with my doctor about 6 weeks ago, and he said to start tapering down the dosage. Because it is a antidepressant (amitriptyline), it is not advisable to stop cold turkey. It has been a long process and one that has made me nervous. Some people have really severe withdrawal symptoms, but I never had many problems with the taper. However, the complete lack of the medication has been a different story and one that I didn't realize was happening until a week later.

Last week was my first full week on no medication. I was concerned initially because it also helps with the insomnia that I have had for years. But, I never had any problems with falling asleep. However, my mood sucked last week. I had no motivation, no energy, no drive. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I only went to gym the two days I was scheduled with Celeste because I waited too late to cancel. In my heart, I felt guilty for the way I was feeling, but I just couldn't shake it. I worried that the severe depression, that I have also dealt with since I was 18, was coming back. I fought with all my being to make it to work every day. I missed school on Tuesday night because of a really bad headache that started on Monday and never really went away. I felt as if all the joy had been sucked out of my life and I was sad and alone. It was a horrible feeling, especially since the week before had been so good! 

I just couldn't shake it off. I forced myself to go to the park on Saturday and walk 3 miles, even though it was freezing and I really didn't want to go. I spent most of my time in conversation with God. People probably thought I was crazy, as I was literally talking out loud. I needed to vent...I needed to get those emotions out. I don't do well AT ALL with expressing my emotions. I keep them to myself and rarely approach someone else to talk about them. Normally the only way to get me to talk with someone is if that person picks up on the change and asks me about it. I tend to become extremely quiet in times like these, even more so than normal. I know that this is not the best coping strategy, but it is what I do. I think a part of me does it to protect myself from totally losing it and breaking down to someone else. I don't like to feel vulnerable...it's something that I am working on.

After my walk, I began to feel a bit better. Saturday night I began researching how long it took for the medication to clear my system and I found varying results. But, I came across a site that listed possible withdrawal symptoms from amitriptyline and wouldn't you know, I had so many of them! It was like a light bulb went on and I realized what was going on. Most are due to the low amounts of neurotransmitters in the brain that the body has to pick up the slack again. It takes some time, but it will kick back in shortly. It was a bit of a relief to find that I wasn't really going crazy, I was just in withdrawal!

Sunday I found myself in a better mood, even though it was the beginning of a very busy week ahead. The series at church has been a life changing one and it has been what I needed to hear every week. It hasn't really been what I wanted to hear, but something I definitely needed to hear! Here are the pictures of my notes from the past 4 weeks...a little insight into 12Stone Church and how my mind works while I am there.

 Week 1: Resiliency--Stand up, Stand firm, Stand back up

 Week 2: Re-enlist--Rededicate to it tomorrow and every day after

 Week 3: Self Restraint--Walk with, Walk away, Walk in

Week 4: Happiness and Instant Gratification--"It's" Never Enough

Every week I think *this* week is the best one and the one most meant for me. And every week, I say that and every week, it is just what I need to hear. Through this journey, I have had to accept some very hard truths about myself: 

I give up too easily, I keep my emotions shut in, I want what others have without all the work, I let myself be swayed by society, I can't forgive myself, I am afraid to love others, I am selfish, I am incredibly smart but I don't use it like I should, I like to be right, I don't like to let others get close, I need to be right, I am a hypocrite, I absolutely hate to lose, I am a pessimist but I just call myself a realist, I don't believe in myself, I hate being wrong, I am terrified of the future. I have lost my hope and sometimes my faith.

My list could go on, but those are the big ones. I put this out there because I KNOW that there are others that feel this way too. I know that everyone goes through these feelings and I know that maybe by putting it all out there, I can help. Maybe it'll even help me. If you asked me these things, face to face, I'd never be able to be so open and honest, but through this screen and these written words, it is easier to put it out there. This self evaluation has been my wake up call. I pray daily that I can move past the truths and create new truths about myself, but for now, this is it...maybe by recognizing them, I am one step closer to putting it all behind me.

#bebrave #bebadass #nevergiveup #neverquit #teamendured #operationcarynssmiles #sometimestearsaregood #stillhaveahardtimeacceptingthat

Something I never thought I would hear...

For almost 2 weeks (12 days to be exact, since January 12, 2015) I have consistently been going to the gym or walking at the park every day, except Wednesdays, which is kind of my rest day because my schedule makes it hard to work out on that day. I am trying very hard not to focus too much on that weight number, as I know it will eventually come down, but it will be a slow process. I am a numbers girl, so that will be one of my toughest battles in all of this. I feel so much better already, even though it has only been two weeks. I am eating better, drinking water, and enjoying the exercise. It is still a tough battle with myself every day to get up early, but once I do, I am so happy to have fought the battle.

I went to the gym this morning and burned 497 calories in 57 minutes, split between the treadmill and the recumbent bike. It was a bit harder today, since I was sore from yesterday's workout (638 calories in 88 minutes, split between the bike and working with my trainer, Celeste.) I was determined to do cardio for an hour today and I succeeded. I met a wonderfully sweet lady, who I am looking forward to working out with next week. I was also introduced to a gentleman as he was getting ready to ride the bike next to me after his workout. What he said next totally blew my mind (in reference to me.)

"Oh yeah, I see her here all the time. I think she lives here."

At the moment, I kind of chuckled it off and went about my workout, but as I rode the bike, I began to think about what he actually said. I couldn't believe that someone would say that about me, ever! Not only did it make me feel good, but it made me realize that people are watching. We never know who might be watching us. We have a million chances in a day to be an inspiring example to someone or show them what not to do.

I know this because I work with children every day. Over the past several weeks, I have made it my mission to be a better example to my 25 little kindergartners. I talk to them daily about how much I believe in them and that if you work hard, you will find rewards in life. I tell my kids (in my class) every day, "Never, ever give up. Even if something is hard, or you don't want to do it, do your best and try hard every time." We read stories daily that go along with this theme. As it is when it comes to children, I never know if they are getting it...never know if they are really understanding, or even listening to what I have to say. But they are. 

Last week, I overheard, and secretly watched, a little boy encouraging a little girl not to quit and keep trying while they were playing chess. I started teaching my class chess at the beginning of the school year. They are so amazing and they love playing. Some are actually getting pretty good. But as I watched these two children playing, I was brought to tears in my classroom as I heard him tell her, "Remember, never, ever give up. It's okay if you didn't win. We can play again and you will try hard and get better. But, you can never, ever give up." I don't let my kids quit in the middle of a game. I try to teach them to good winners and good losers. To hear a 6 year old tell another child this advice blew me away. I watched them over the next hour or so and they played 5 games...and she lost every single time. Yet, she continued to try again and never got upset and never gave up. 

With my kids, I knew they were always watching me and now I try to be the best example for them every day. I know that I will fail at times, but I will never give up. And when I heard that I "lived at the gym," I realized that it's not just my kids who are watching me, it's everyone around me. I don't have to give great speeches to inspire someone. Maybe just by showing up every day, someone will see and realize they can do it too. I never, ever thought that someone would compliment me like that today, but it motivates me that much more to keep it up!

#bebravebebadass #teamendured #functionalfitnesspersonaltraining #nevergiveup #someoneisalwayswatchingyou #bethebestexample

Finally making some commitments...am I crazy?!

I have always had a hard time with commitments. Whether it has been school or relationships or my health or with God, deciding to do something and sticking to it has always been difficult for me. I started back to school in August 2014 and I have decided that this will be be my last attempt to finish. I am far more committed to it now than I have ever been in the past. As far as relationships go, I am more committed to my friendships than I have been before, but I don't have many really close friends. God has been an important part of my life since 1998, even more so since 2008, but has often been placed on the back burner of my life. I never found time to daily talk to or spend time with God.  The current series at my church (www.12stone.com) is called Searching for a Better Life and it has touched my life more than any series thus far in so many ways.

I am searching for a better life. Not that my life is bad, but it could be better. The first thing that Pastor Kevin (PK) talked about was making a list. How do you know if you have a better life if you don't know what all that requires? Not only do I need to make a long term list, I also need to make a daily list of the 6 most important things that I need to get done that day, in order of importance. So, Sunday night (01/18/2014) I made my list of the top 10 things I wanted to do or have to make a better life for myself. I wrote them in no particular order and hung them in my bathroom, on the mirror, so I would see them every single day, morning and night. After just 2 days, it reaffirms my focus every morning, because now I know what I working so hard for.

The first two things o my daily list each day are:

1. Spend time with God

2. Workout at gym or outside (except Wednesdays)

After those two things, my list normally consists of homework or chores that I need to get done that day. I am amazed at the peace that comes from spending just a short time with God first thing each morning. My last two days have been so stress free and relaxed, even with a really bad migraine last night. I have been going to the gym or walking at the park for a little over a week now and I am starting to crave it. Now, don't get me wrong, I still argue with myself every morning when my alarm goes off at 7:00 AM, and I still have to force myself to get up most days, but the difference is that I am actually getting up! I let myself "sleep in" on Sundays because I don't have near the amount of things to do on the weekend, but the last two weekends that has only been till 8:30 AM. Anyone who knows me knows that I am NOT a morning person and I hate getting up early and missing out on sleep. But, I am finally committed to doing this to achieve my goals to have a better life. 

Another way to get me to commit to something is to make me pay for it. I joined a gym (www.trainatfunctionalfitness.com) and I work with my trainer, Celeste, twice a week. So far I love it...not sure how well I am doing, but I know I go home sore! Last Monday was my first session and I was sore till the weekend. My muscles had not done exercise in so long that I think they were revolting. After my second session, I was still sore, but my body recovered much faster than it had the week before. She cheers me on, holds me accountable, and gives me knowledge about how to cope with things in real life. On the days I am not scheduled with her, I wake up early and go to the gym and ride the bike and walk on the treadmill. On the weekends, I bundle up and go walk at the park. I'd love to be able to run a 5K one day, but at my weight now, that is not a smart thing to do. But, I can walk one...

And that is the next commitment that I made. I signed up for a membership with the Atlanta Track Club last week. I am not a runner, but with my membership comes free entry to several races. I liked that. I read the course requirements for several of them and found that the top limits for times (25min/mile) were well within my range for walking. I might come in dead last place, but at least I am making the effort. So, with that, I registered for my very first 5K last weekend and it takes place on Saturday, February 7th. It is called the Heart and Soles 5K. I had to sign myself up in order to make myself go. Otherwise, I would keep putting it off until the date passed. I will not be running this 5K (or any other race anytime soon) but I will walk it and I will finish it and I will work harder every day to get better. 

Another one of lifelong dreams has been to complete the Peachtree Road Race. Every year, we go to Lenox Square for the 4th of July and watch the fireworks. Every year I see all the people and their shirts and every year I tell my family or friends that I want to do that "next year." Well, next year has moved from 1998 to 2015!  So, the other reason I signed up with Atlanta Track Club is that it comes with guaranteed entry to the Peachtree if you sign up by February 1st. Again, there is no way that I could run a 10K this year, but I can walk it. I worked as a volunteer last year, handing out water to the people who passed by and I saw many people walking and working hard to climb those hills to the finish line. It will not be an easy task even to walk it in the summer heat in downtown Atlanta, but it will be worth it. My family thinks I am crazy for wanting to do it (and get up crazy early as well) but I hope they will be at the finish line to cheer me on when I do it. Who knows, maybe next year, I could actually run it!

I am eating so much better and enjoying it at the same time. Most days I have to pack my meals and snacks for the whole day, but it is worth it. This has not been, nor will it be, an easy task for me. I have some serious problems when it comes to unhealthy food and right now, I can't even have it in my house. It's too tempting. I eat before I go do my grocery shopping and that makes it so much easier to stroll down the frozen aisle to get veggies and pass up the ice cream. I also avoid the cookie and cracker aisle like it's the plague! Because for me, right now, it's too much of a temptation and eventually my "willpower" will fail...if it didn't, I wouldn't be where I am right now. And another miracle is that I am willingly drinking 1 GALLON of plain water every day. It has gotten to wear it is an easy thing for me to do and I find that I crave it as well when I have gone too long without it.

I am thankful for those who believe in me and cheer me on daily: Celeste, Angela, Nathan, my parents, and my sister, just to name a few. I know there are people who pray for me every day and probably even some that I don't even know. But know this, my daily prayer is that someone will read this or see this and find some kind of inspiration in my struggles, I hope and pray that I can impact just one person in this journey of mine...for someone to know that even what seems impossible, can be made possible with the right tools, hard work, and positive people in your life. 

Check out www.teamendured.com to find out more about Operation Caryn's Smiles and more about how to get involved in encouraging others in their journey as well. Be Brave, Be Badass!

#bebravebebadass #neverquit #neverevergiveup #nevertoolatetotryagain #committmentishard

New year, new plan...same goals!

2014 was really not a good year for me. Between smashing my hand just months before the new year began to my car accident in April and recovery that has taken nearly a year, I am ready for 2015. I want to have a year that is uneventful, or at least free of bad events. They say that everything happens for a reason. I am a firm believer in that...I may not ever know the reasons, but I also believe that good can come from any situation.

My accident changed my life. It gave me a new perspective on things that were important and made me realize that I was wasting much of my life. My first step in changing that was getting back to school. I ended my first semester, with 10 hours, for Surgical Technology, with my very first 4.0. This was not my first one due to a lack of intelligence, but because of a lack of drive and pure laziness. I struggle daily to overcome the pull of the TV and the warm covers of my bed. I struggle to stay awake to complete homework and sometimes, by some miracle, even get homework and assignments completed and turned in early. I have always given up in school when it got difficult or when I got bored with something. That is why I am 35 years old and still have not completed my degree, despite being in college off and on for the better part of 10 years. But, I am still busting my tail and I am going to do it this time and I am never going to give up, no matter how hard it gets.

I have the same problem with giving up when it comes to my health. I did really well for several months and then I back tracked some. I got back on track and then the holidays hit and the little willpower that I had left was gone. Surrounded daily with sweets and junk food, coupled with no school and lots of time off of work, I managed to gain back nearly all of the 20 pounds that I had lost. I stopped worrying about what I ate, stopped tracking what I ate, stopped exercising, and started saying that I would do it "tomorrow." The problem with that mentality is that "tomorrow" never gets here. There is always some excuse as to why it should wait another day. Days become weeks, weeks become months, and months become years, which is why I find myself in the current state of unhealthy.

I am totally opposed to New Year's Resolutions, mainly because I have never followed through with one. I intentionally quit smoking on January 3, 2012 because it was not the 1st and couldn't be called a resolution. It's all a matter of semantics, but it works for me! For that reason, I didn't want to restart my healthy lifestyle change at the beginning of the year, But, I needed to get something on the books to force me to be accountable. So, I scheduled a meeting with Celeste at Functional Fitness Personal Training.  I knew that if I had it on my calendar, I would be more likely to keep it. I had been referred to Celeste several times oer the years by my friend Alyson. I never really had the money or the commitment to follow through with it. 

But, I finally did today and I can tell that this decision is going to change my life. I loved the gym. I loved Celeste, I loved the people who I met today. I love that I can get one on one training time and not feel like everyone is staring at me. I like that there is only 1 or 2 other people there at the same time. I love that someone explained everything to me about the exercises and machines and didn't just assume I had worked out before. I loved that I could talk to her about my injuries and problems that I have had before in the past. I love that she will help me to rehab my hand and my knee in order to get back on track. I love that she told me that she would never, ever give up on me. I love that she told me that there would be days where she would get in my face and other days where there would cheers and hugs. I loved that they are starting a Biggest Loser contest and I am just in time to join. I love that she was patient and kind to deal with me when I wasn't sure I wanted to commit. I love that I am excited to start back on this journey.

I have a long way to go and will know some exact numbers tomorrow. I am scheduled to have a metabolism test and to do all my weights and measurements tomorrow (UGH!) I am looking forward to the journey and for committing to one more thing that will make my life a better one. New Year's Resolutions are always about making one's life better...so I guess in a sense, this is one in the same, but for my sake, I'll just call it the next step in my brave and badass journey! And it is one that I will never give up...never again.

#bebrave #bebadass #neverquit #nevergiveup #teamendured #itisnevertolatetostartoveragain

School, the holidays, and a lack of weight loss

Again, it has been a little while since my last post. I seem to be so busy lately with work, school, and minimal social activities, that it always seems like something has to give. Sadly, whenever I get like this, the first thing that gives is nutrition and exercise.

Now, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. But, when I am stressed, the last thing I want to do is exercise. I normally want to squeeze in as much sleep as I can. Anyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE to sleep! To think about sacrificing that sleep to exercise (which I do not really enjoy) is like torture, especially when my stress level is already high.

Most of you keep up with me in some fashion through Facebook and I often use that as a way to vent short little snippets of my life. Thankfully school is over for this semester and I rocked out a 4.0 which I am very excited about. Coming off my car accident and a bad concussion, I was worried that I had made the wrong decision to go back to school so soon after my accident. I was concerned that my brain and my memory were not where they needed to be to handle all of the things that I would need to remember. My doctor had ordered cognitive rehab months ago, but their waiting list is so long that I never got in. So, I was very concerned. I was also worried about what the added stress would do to the other deficits I had overcome, like falling asleep, dizziness, and blurry vision, as well as my headaches. Things turned out not to be quite so bad. My headaches would get worse before a test or when I had been studying a lot. I had to learn to give myself breaks to do nothing with school. In the end, my hard work paid off and I got all A's...a 4.0 for the first time ever in my LONG college career (more so due to laziness than anything else.)

With all the added stress, I started finding that I had less and less time to cook. I started eating out or eating things that were convenient. I didn't want to spend my weekends cooking for the week. I also got put on a tricyclic antidepressant for my headaches and depression (see my last blog post for that info.) This medicine has many side effects that have been difficult to overcome. It makes me very sleepy. I take it at bedtime and it helps with sleep, but most days I wake up still groggy and sleepy from it. It also slows down your intestinal tract which leads to being "backed up" most of the time. You'd be amazed at how much weight gain that can cause. I now take Miralax every day and that has helped some, but it is still an issue (probably TMI for many folks, but I'm just being honest here!) It states that it can cause weight gain and I don't know if it's from the previous reason or the fact that I feel like I want to eat junk all the time...it's like non-stop PMS. I try not to keep it in my house, but I find it at work or break down buy something.

My willpower is not the strongest, which is probably why I am dealing with weight issues. I still hate water and I would still rather go thirsty than to drink pure water. I hate it. Every day I see that darn jug of water in my fridge and I loathe the thought of actually drinking it. I am going to try getting a smaller container and just drink more of them, like maybe 4 servings of 24 ounces, or something to that effect, I know all the things that I need to do, but making myself do them is another story!

The holidays have definitely made things worse as well. Being a teacher, there is an endless supply of junk being brought in by parents. They mean well, but for people like me, it is hard not to graze when it is sitting there calling out my name. Add to that, the totally unhealthy meals at Thanksgiving and endless leftovers and it's a recipe for disaster. I also go out to eat a lot more when my parents are in town, which is no excuse because I should try to order something better off the menu as well as eat less of it at one sitting.

I have no real, legitimate excuse for the backpedaling I have done. It is what it is and I have to accept it and do my best to move on. I will definitely be doing another Advocare 24 day challenge after the first of the year to get my self back on track. For now, stopping the medicine that I take is not an option, as it is working great for my depression and pretty good for my headaches. So, I will have to find new ways to deal with it. I am considering a gym membership, but I want to wait until I know that I will use it before I jump into that. I am also probably going to sign up for some one-on-one personal trainer sessions at a small gym near my house. I think that will help jump start all of this again in the new year. I am not one for New Year's resolutions because most people, including me, never keep them (I quit smoking on January 2, 2012 for that very reason.) So, I am trying to get a plan together and need to start making some little steps in that direction, like walking before work and not staying up so late.

For now, I have to accept that when I weighed this morning I am back up to 249.6 lbs. I have to accept it and move on...dwelling on my mistakes is not going to help me. I need to figure out how to make it work, with school, and get back to it. For now, I have my Road ID that reminds me to NEVER QUIT, BE BRAVE, and BE BADASS...that's all I can do right now.

The hardest post I've ever had to write...

I sit here tonight, at someone else's house, with their children sleeping upstairs, and I should be working on homework or studying, but I felt compelled to sit down and do what I have been putting off for nearly 6 weeks. I feel lost and frustrated and angry at myself, but at the same time, I know that I can do better. The last six weeks have been a huge battle for me: physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially. So, in an effort to help myself, and maybe someone else one day, here I sit, laptop in hand, ready to put some feelings to paper.

I last posted about vacation over Labor Day and how great things were. Before that, I was up early every morning to do some sort of workout, my favorite being swimming. After swimming for weeks, I started having pain in my left shoulder. First it was only when I swam and after a while, it was all the time. I couldn't reach for anything over my head and sleep became a thing of the past because the pain was so bad at the end of the day. I mentioned this to my orthopedic surgeon (who is also my concussion specialist) at a follow up visit and he told me it sounded like I tore my rotator cuff and no more swimming. I was devastated. I loved swimming. I was going faster and further every time I went to the pool. He told me that these things happen and I could use a kick board, but nothing until he had the results from an MRI.

I scheduled the MRI and follow up for the week after I came back from vacation. At my follow up, he told me that I have a small tear, bone spurs, and severe tendonosis. He said it wasn't surgical at this time and he wanted to try a steroid injection and physical therapy. I still need to be careful with activities over my head and still no freestyle swimming. This devastated me. I was happy that I didn't need surgery, but I felt like I couldn't catch a break. I felt like physically it was just one thing after the other since crushing my hand in October 2013. Every time something would start to get better, something else would happen. It was really starting to crush my spirit.

This last bad news started a spiral effect with my entire life. School was starting to get intense. Work was work. My brain was getting better, but still not back to normal. My hand was still having problems and I had just had hand surgery #2 in 5 months. My weight continued to come off slowly, but more so because I just wasn't eating. Anytime I sat down to eat, it made me sick. The thought of food nauseated me for several weeks. And then I hit the 20 lbs lost mark and I thought that was the end of the spiral. I was so excited...down 20 lbs in 8 weeks. I had done better than I thought. And looking back, I thought that milestone would get me back on track, but it didn't. The depression that had been slowly creeping in had started to take over my life.

I have battled with depression for most of my adult life. It hit me hard in my college years (the first time around 1997-1999) and it would fade and return over the next 15 years. I have used counseling, medication, journaling, and self medicating over those years. I have made good choices and not so good ones over that time as well. Normally I can tell when I start down that tunnel again and I can get ahead of it. I can surround myself with people and pull myself out without a whole lot of effort. But, this time was different. I never saw it coming. And I put on a pretty good show for everyone, so no one else saw it coming either. It wasn't that I didn't have anyone to talk to, because I have parents and friends who know my history and I don't feel embarrassed to go to them. But, I really didn't see there was a problem. The things that I did notice I attributed to the stress of being back in school: not sleeping, headaches, not eating, eating too much, eating junk, tired all the time, grumpy, easily frustrated.

Finally, I got a text one day that basically said, are you okay, I'm worried about you. I lost it. No, I wasn't okay and you should be worried about me. I'm down this tunnel and I don't know how I got here and I don't know how to get out. I was miserable. The increase in migraines alone was enough to do me in. I broke down. I cried. I yelled. I got angry. I got sad. I threw things (don't worry Mom, I didn't break anything.) I prayed. And then I cried some more. And then I prayed some more.

That was two weeks ago. I have avoided writing this for two weeks. Two weeks ago, I hit my bottom...thank God it's not the bottom that I have hit in years past! For the first week, I was still stumbling around, trying to figure out what to do next, where to start to pull me out of this hole. I knew I had many things that I needed to do, so I made a list.

1. Start cooking again

2. Stop eating crap

3. Start exercising again

4. Keep busting my tail in school (amazingly this was the one area that I didn't let fall apart!)

5. Pray every day, at least once

6. Drink more water

7. Make church, work, and school my priorities

8. Reach out to my doctor about the depression, headaches, and insomnia

9. Write a blog about all of this crap

10. Never quit...don't give up...take baby steps if I have to, just don't quit

It took me a week to make this list. Last weekend was the first weekend that I had cooked in nearly a month. I'm lucky that in all of this, I only gained 3 pounds. It really could have been much worse. I saw my concussion specialist again last Friday. I told him about the daily headaches, the lack of sleep, the depression, and the struggles with having to study so much to retain information. He said it could still be my brain trying to recover from the concussion. 

I was diagnosed with post concussion syndrome a month after my accident because my concussion and it's symptoms were not improving. I saw several specialist to help with all the different symptoms and everything was getting better until I started back to school. The added stress of school has turned my world upside down, but I promised myself that no matter how hard it got, I wouldn't quit. I had done that too many times in the past. I wasn't going to do it again. I felt that I was smart enough and determined enough that I could do this, even if I had a slight deficit in my brain. 

My doctor agreed that it could be my brain, the lingering concussion symptoms, or stress, but he wanted to try a new medication. It was something we had discussed the last visit, but I opted to wait, since I had just recently gotten myself off of all meds, except for allergies and the occasional asthma attack. But when he mentioned it again, I knew I needed to try. He prescribed Elavil (amitriptyline) and it was an old depression medication, actually a tricyclic antidepressant. It is used for headache and migraine prevention, insomnia, and can also treat depression. It sounded like it was exactly what I needed, so I agreed to try it for a month. So far it has been a week and I think it's still too soon to tell, but I am hopeful. 

This weekend I will cook again for the week and I will be adding back in my gallon of water a day goal. I hate water, so this has always been a hard thing for me, but I know that I can do it. I will also be adding back in walking 3 days a week and starting some other workouts that I have at home. I may even try to hit the pool and try out the kick board that I bought 6 weeks ago! I am still struggling with my latest hand surgery and the pain from that. And through all of this, I was rear ended and will be dropping my car off for repairs on Monday. Last Sunday (October 19th) marked a year that had passed since I crushed my hand when the hood of my car fell and latched shut. I have said that day started the worst year of my life as far as my physical health goes. It seemed like my luck went out the window the day that happened.

But, I received a tremendous and amazing blessing on that day this year. I was brought to tears by the generosity of a friend that I have not seen in over 15 years. Someone who did not know all the details of what I was going through, but reached out anyway. And blessed me in a way that I can never repay and that I will always be thankful for. It gave a new meaning to the date October 19th. It is no longer a date that I remember for the worst in my life, but for the day that I received the greatest blessing from God through a friend. I feel like it was God's way of showing me that I am not alone and that He loves me. And even thought I have gone through a year from Hell, I know that things are turning around, starting from the same date that they fell apart. 

I know that this blog entry is long on words, short on pictures, and totally all over the place, but I needed to get it out and on paper before I chickened out and found something else to do. I thank you for reading if you made it this far and I ask for prayers of strength to not quit and never give up. And I hope that if anyone else out there is battling through depression, know this: you are not alone, you are never alone, you are not the only one, this is hard, but it will get better, ask for help, it is out there, and know that I am praying for you. Depression is very real...sometimes too real for some of us...but it won't last forever.

#bebrave #bebadass #nevergiveup